Atheist Humor for the Holidays

Atheist Humor for the Holidays

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave it up – they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman

To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen

I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.
George Bernard Shaw

A priest, a rabbi and an atheist walk into a bar.
The priest sits down and begins praying that God will perform a miracle and place a drink in front of him.
The rabbi does the same.
The atheist simply sits at the bar and flags down the bartender.
When no drink appears the priest exclaims “God must be testing my faith!” and prays harder.
The rabbi ponders for a moment and then says “He must be punishing me for something from the past.”
The atheist rolls his eyes, orders a drink and when he gets it replies “Well, I guess if this God of yours exists, I’m his favorite!”

A rabbi, a priest, and an atheist are rowing on Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak. The rabbi looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us.” The priest looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days singing your praises.” The atheist says, “Oh, guys, if you pass me that one life preserver, I promise I’ll swim to Cleveland.” “And how will you spend the rest of your days?” the rabbi and the priest ask. “Well,” says the atheist, “I’m not sure, but I can tell you one thing: I’ll never go rowing with other atheists.”

Atheist: What’s this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: Praying.
Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back.
Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered.

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

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  1. Great blog laurie! Very funny but this one was my favorite………………………A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
    “Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
    “Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
    Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

  2. As a mother in law to keep my horns and tail growing too long…. I compensate by offering free child care, unsecured loans and trying desperately to keep my mouth zipped shut…….on the plus side however I have cancelled all Botox injections as my eyebrows seem to be permanently rooted somewhere where my hair meets my forehead.lol.

  3. I know that with my daughter in law I have NO CHANCE !! ..So I try to keep my mouth shut , and I also know that my son is on HER SIDE !!
    So ,I mind my own business !! …the only business I mind of theirs is THEIR SON !! I get a lot of that lol lol .
    Free baby sitting next door ! Bring him on !