An idle morning
I am sitting here today, with workmen clambering all over the outside of the house erecting scaffolding, and a British Gas main servicing the boiler with the usual tut-tutting about how badly it has been installed (not my fault guv – I wasn’t here at the time) and therefore I have time on my hands. For me this can be either a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how much boredom sets in. I am prone to starting ill-conceived projects when the Devil arrives to make work for idle hands; the as-yet-unfinished garden pond stands testament to this.
So on this beautiful wintry morning, which I am refused access to and which teases me with bright sunlight streaming through my windows, I am sorting through old pictures.
It’s a task long overdue: I have scores of digitised pictures of my family going all the way back to Edwardian times, images of myself, of friends both living and dead, of great-aunt-somethings and great-uncle-somebodys, and they need to be renamed and put into folders for easy reference. As a past-time I can safely say this is an over-rated experience unless you are the sort of person who really enjoys the whole cataloging zeitgeist – like a librarian maybe, or a stamp collector. I am neither.
However, as I flicked through the pictures of myself – a rather alarming fast-forward play of my fifty-odd years from babe to child, child to youth, youth to young man, and forward to the ‘me’ of today I wondered how much was ever carried forward.
I remember being that cocky tall teenager with the mop of hair and slim frame, I remember events very clearly from that time in my life, but am I still him? Did he move forward with me, buried ever deeper under strata of time and responsibilities? Do we regenerate, like Dr. Who in slow motion, over the decades, becoming different people along the way, or are we a careful composite of all that we have ever been?
I may not have liked everything the younger me did with his life even if I may have enjoyed many of the adventures he had, and in many ways he is not me – I (the me of today) would never have walked certain paths which I (the me of yesterday) did – and yet that informs who I am. It’s my heritage.
Perhaps we are, after all, an ever changing canvas where the outer layer presents the sum of all the layers beneath. People influence us, love changes us, grief molds us. Maybe that is why it is so important to never stand still, always create new experiences, reach out to new people. If we continue to do that we continue to paint new layers, building on past triumphs, like Byzantium after Rome fell. If we stop doing this we might cease remembering who we ever were, and what we are yet to be, and we will become static museum pieces: Interesting to look at, but a thing very much of another time and another place.
I suppose what I’m saying, in essence, is that we must enjoy who we are in the here and now, celebrate our past, be comfortable with the future. It’s not a new thought, I’m not saying anything that hasn’t already been said by far wiser men, but it’s one that sometimes needs to be remembered with clarity and focus.
You see what an idle morning studying pictures can lead to ? An attack of esotericism.
I would have been better off dredging that garden pond but, though the day seems bright and fair, I think the water may still be icy. The scaffolders will help; I’ll take them out a brew and they can bring me back down to earth. A bit of builder swearing never hurt anyone.
We were, have been, are, will be, what we become.
All the parts that went to make up “Us” are there. They happened so they are there, a memory perhaps, but still there.
Some parts we’d rather forget, I’m sure, but they are all still there. They are part of what made us the person we are today.
Don’t worry about it is my advice. It’s what we were meant to be. All the little experiences and traumas collected together to make the “us” that exists today.
You’re still breathing. That’s all that really matters
Thanks for the reply Waylander. I tend to agree with you that we are the sum of our pasts experiences and worrying is pointless because you cannot change what has already happened. The ‘keep breathing’ idea is always a good one to apply 🙂
I suppose I was reflecting on the people who become sad and start living in the past without recognising the uniqueness of who they are right now, and who they will become. Looking at old photographs of yourself has that effect also.
Will I be the same in ten, twenty years ? Essentially yes, but hopefully with another few decades of living a full life to colour my palette.
We are the sum total of all that we have ever been.
We age on the outside.
Aging on the inside is a choice.
No reason ever to regret anything,
rather celebrate it
We are always who we were
It is a living part of who we are.
We are the sum total of all of it.
To go back there, to any point, all one need do is to go there.
It is all still right there, easily accessed.
But then you know that already don’t you?
There is nothing worse then home renovation and/or repair
while in progress.
Hi Lynn
Yes you mirror my thoughts very well. As we all get older the temptation is to hanker after the past at times. I guess I was reminding myself, and anyone who dropped by to read my thoughts, that ones life is always evolving and re-shaping. we are never too old for new adventure!
Great blog darkfarmowl and beautifully written. I always enjoy reading your blogs. Keep them coming.
You really do have a way of using words that while I comprehend them- I fear I would never be able to express them as elegantly and fluidly as you my friend.
Congratulations Drummer
Thank you Drummer. I enjoy your blog posts equally and always read them as soon as they appear. I hope you are making a new circle of friends on SC now.
Thank you Suzan 🙂
I dont normally read long blogs Deefo,But I have to agree with Drummer…yours are eminently readable.
(As are Drummer,s, by the way ) 🙂
Hi capp – thank you, that’s quite a compliment 🙂
‘deefo’ – made me laugh – it’s what my friends in the ‘real’ world call me from time to time (those that know my online moniker).
I won’t follow your headline of an idle morning Owl. Walking back in your own personal heritage could have been ( I don’t know if it was for you? ) a point where memories and sentiments meet.
I know quite a few people who deny looking at yesteryears pics ( I myself belong to this group ). Pics taken in the past supply evidence of all the failures, mistakes, the forfeit of chances aso. and lead to the point where people often say; I wish I could turn the clock back.
You have the talent for a descriptive literature which is a pleasure to read even like in this little story it refers to an idle morning. That’s a good one Owl.
Hi vonMichael and thanks.
I don’t often look back on old pics because it does make you reflect on your past life – the good and the bad. You can’t change the past, you can only move forward with the person you are now, along with all that things that helped shape you. It is just a strange experience seeing yourself at various stages, remembering all that was happening at the time the photo was taken, and asking yourself ‘did i do good with my life?’
On the whole I have replied positively to that question, but it’s not an exercise I would put myself through too often.
Hi Owl,
thanks for your comment. Sure pics indeed reflect the past and as it says in your Country life can only be lived forward.
Pics the way I see them are of great help in anvoiding that happy moments in life fade away as older one gets.
As long as it is possible I try to keep people and situation in my memories cos that gives me permission to walk with them in my mind. Thanks again and have a good weekend, Michael.
DKFML, I quite enjoy reading your diary . I could hear the clang of those blinkin’ scaffold poles, especially when one was dropped and went rolling and clanging down the path. I think I could even smell the steam from the tea. Thanks.
Thanks for commenting geeljay
The scaffolders have gone, now the roofers are in full tilt, and after that the house painters. I’ll be glad when it’s over!
Owl – I could quite get to love your style. I am , however, please notice correct punctuation!! going to be away for a while. This unfortunately has been brought on by my impending duties with the prison service and rehab.
I look forward to catching up with you later.
Your evil servant
Dave
Dave
No! This is an injustice! I will send you a file with a cake in it, failing that I will tunnel in (digging another tunnel to hide all the soil so they will never suspect a thing) and spring you.
Hang on kid – we’ll get ya outta there!
Hope that your impending duties are not sewing mailbags my grubby fingered villain ………..but just assisting those that do…hehe…xx
I imagine, by now Star, someone has ‘alf inched the needle and thread! But is we are to make an escape tunnel DFML might be able to acquire some scaoffolding poles, to make the tunnel safe!
No shortage of scaffolding poles around here for the next week or two. Some decent sized tarpaulins as well – all we need now is for a group of us to form a choir to hide the noise of the digging.