a practice…with intention
somewhere here wrote in her journal, something about “looking in the rear view mirror”…and that phrase has been with me for the last two days since i read it.
when you don’t know what’s in front of you, and your “now” feels very blurry…it seems like what you’ve had, or where you’ve been…are the easiest things to think of. whether it’s regretting, missing, wishing…those things in the rear view mirror are…what i know. but her phrase keeps reverberating in my mind and i want very much to adopt the idea of it.
i think it’s okay to have memories, of course, but…because i’m so lost, i DO tend to dwell in what’s been. i can SEE what’s “been”…but i can’t see what mite “be”…and so…it’s just easier. yet…it’s not healthy and it doesn’t promote foward growth.
my yoga instructor had a moment of frustration with me today. (not for the first time, lol). i was not focused…and i can’t even say where my mind was really at. but…she stopped me mid-practice, and had me face her. she told me close my eyes. i did. she asked me, “terri…where is your body?”.
“right here”, i answered…a little frustrated myself.
but her response really reached something in me. she said…”if you want to be PRESENT, and you say that you are trying to learn to be…then bring your mind to where your body is”.
even as i typed those words just now…something resonates in me. and it goes with the thought about always looking in the rear view mirror. whether the moments of the past were good or bad…they are gone. it’s as simple as that. the “people” in those moments mite not be gone. but the moments, and the circumstancese of those moments…are GONE. and to keep myself in those memories, or difficult places of regret or sorrow…literally keeps me from the moment that ISN’T gone. this one. right here. the only one i’m actually guarenteed.
these are thoughts that truly work for me, yet….i struggle to stay with them. i struggle to be present. i’m always thinking of things that aren’t “right now”…and i’m always wondering or worrying about what tomarrow will bring. i’m basically robbing myself of my own life. the life i SAY that i want to figure out how to live. HERE AND NOW…is what i have. and i get that…i really do. so…why can’t i figure out what to DO with it?
i keep coming across phrases that reference “knowing yourself”, and “loving yourself”. again, these are thoughts that pull at something deep inside me. but i can’t get to the root of what it is i feel pulling. i don’t know myself…in fact…i believe i’m quite buried under years of “roles” that i have lived. and i definitely don’t love myself. when i read things about what loving oneself does for the soul, i think…”i want that.” i want to be okay with myself. i want to accept myself, instead of constantly knocking myself and always believing that i’m just never enough of this or that. but…as much as i like these concepts…i can’t break thru whatever it is that allows me to FEEL them.
“acceptance, acceptance, acceptance”…i’m supposed to accept all that i am. even the parts i don’t like or want to change. in some moments, i feel up to this quest, and in others, i feel like it’s just not gonna happen and why put in the effort? when i spend any amount of time trying to figure out how i got to be who i am, i wind up feeling sorry for the younger person i was, who just didn’t know any better. but still…that doesn’t change the HERE AND NOW. it doesn’t change the closed up parts of me. it doesn’t change the way that i feel i need to protect myself FROM MYSELF, because based on my life, my judgement can’t really be trusted.
yet…all of this said…there is some part of me, screaming to get out and live. i don’t mean…get out as in “go out”, “party”, “be wild”. i just mean that SHE is buried in me, and she IS me, and she wants to finally emerge, but i keep her at bay.
sounds crazy, i’m sure. i’m not crazy, honest. i’d like to think that all the things swirling so madly in my mind lately are a sign that i’m at the edge of some discovery. for so many months, i didn’t allow myself the luxury of much thought, because i feared it would bring me to my knees. but lately…the thoughts are very…loud.
the present. the here and now. it’s all i am guarenteed, and yet it’s so UNCOMFORTABLE. which is why its so easy to venture into backward or forward thoughts. anything but to sit in this UNknowing discomfort. ANYTHING but to feel this lost. it’s so much easier to remember where i’ve been, even when it wasn’t good, or to imagine where i mite be someday.
but i’m going to take these phrases that have been ringing in my head….”stop looking in the rear view mirror”, and “keep your mind where your body is”…and try to make mantras out of them. try to create some sort of new practice of actually learning how to ‘LIVE’…right where i am. i don’t feel any kind of “gung ho” excitement over this…like i wish i did. but i DO believe there is something really good in those phrases that i could somehow benefit from, if i could learn to “practice” them. my yoga teacher has been telling me for three years, that there is a reason we call yoga a “practice”. because it’s a constantly evolving thing that needs to be moved thru and breathed thru. from one pose, to the next, to the next…a flow…almost like a beautiful dance when i’m able to be in the moment, connected mind, breath and body.
maybe life is like that. a practice. not just something you DO. but something you set intention for…and then…begin practicing for, just like a yoga session. practicing every day…to be present…to stay where my body is…to keep from looking in that rear view mirror. practice…with intention.
i could be grasping here, i know. but it’s better than giving up, i suppose.
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I appreciate what you’ve shared here in this blog post. And I relate to it. In my life focusing on the present and being present has not always come easily. I tend to worry about the future, and occasionally regret the past, and all the while ignore the present. Or at least, that describes me thru much of my life. I’m better at being present now. I think you capture a truth when you write that maybe life is a practice. I hope you find, like I have, that as we age we do explore and come to new plateaus, new realizations. I’m 64 and loving being this age because I feel like I’m finally beginning to figure life out. And life can be very very good.
thank you so much union, for this encourage and offer of “hope”. i do think we owe it to ourselves to find happiness…i just wish it wasn’t so hard. at least for me, it seems to be. but what a wonderful gift to give to oneself, to allow ourselves to be happy and to believe that we deserve it.
Terriberri, You made huge changes quickly, and in a rush now you are remembering and mourning for your old self and life and that is okay. Big changes take time. Give yourself time to remember and meditate in a fashion that you are still and your ming goes where it will. Give yourself the right to be who you are right now. Give yourself time, it cannot happen as quickly as you thing it will. You are pressuring yourself to move quicker than your mind needs. Take your time.
thank you. and i think that you are right in that i pressure myself. when something doesn’t seem to feel “right enough” i tend to feel like i’m not doing something right enough to get to it. thank you again.
I’m new to Senior Chatters, and this is the first blog I have read…very thoughtful living advise. It’s so difficult to live in the moment these days. Some days are better than others, but the present moment is all we truly have. I’m trying to limit my intake of news media…only on Mondays which is usually a slow day in the news for some reason… but I guess that’s another story. I begin each morning with a guided meditation on You Tube to help in beginning my day with a positive mindset with positive intentions. Life happens… the world is going crazy, but we don’t have to participate in all the madness…. and I try not to be judgmental. It’s not easy.