A Policeman’s Lot 15….”If you can’t take a joke, you shouldn’t have joined!”

West End Central (Savile Row Police Station, Mayfair) was a big and very busy place….Just like many other large workplaces, It had one group of people who thought they ran it and another, much lower paid group, who actually did run it.

This fact is usually born out when those two groups aren’t actually AT work….When the bosses or senior officers are absent from the workplace for a period of time, nothing very much ever goes wrong, when they eventually return, little has changed and the workplace has managed to cope pretty well in their absence…..However, if certain members of the lower paid, rank and file members are absent from work for a prolonged period of time….Then the wheel can very seriously come off the wagon…..This is because these people tend to be specialists in what they do…..At West End Central, the most important man in the station was a PC called Ronnie, he was a small, slightly built and unprepossessing chap who spoke with a nasal twang to his South London accent. He also wore very thick spectacles which earned him the  nickname of ‘Ronnie Bins.’

Ronnie was the “Duties Officer” at the station….When new recruits come to the station, Ronnie’s office was one of their first stops…..And he would carefully explain to them what they could and couldn’t do…..The wise recruit would listen attentively….Ronnie was one man you did NOT want to annoy.

On paper Ronnie’s job was quite simple….He worked out ALL the duties for officers working at the station for the coming month….Nowadays it would all be done on a computer with the click of a mouse….But in those days it was all rather different. Ronnie would have five large wooden boards and all the PC’s, sergeants and inspectors names and numbers would be on one of those boards…..Each month Ronnie would arrange who would be doing what jobs….He would write in pencil on the boards (one for each of the four shift working reliefs and the other for specially employed officers)….On a daily basis he would also prepare the daily duty sheets for each relief based on those postings…. At the start of each day he would take the Duty State up to his office and calculate all of the hours worked by each officer and duly record any overtime worked by them on their two ‘Overtime cards’….Last but by no means least he would arrange for officers to cover ALL of the abstractions and outside overtime commitments…..Simple, you might think….But you would be so VERY wrong!

Ronnie would often be seen scurrying around the canteen on weekdays during refreshment breaks….Today Duties Officers probably do it all on a computer app…..But Ronnie recorded everything on his packet of twenty Embassy tipped cigarettes….A typical conversation might sound like this “Right, listen up you lot….We’ve got to put out a serial this weekend to cover a demo…Volunteers will get weekly leaves cancelled without eight days notice…..Do you want it or not?”…..In simple English that meant that any officer volunteering would be paid at time and a half (12 hours on an 8 hour shift) and would also be given another rest day in lieu. Such offers were highly sought after.

Ronnie did this job for pretty much the entirety of my ten years at the station….He was exceptionally good at what he did…He was ALWAYS completely fair and open handed and he didn’t have favourites. He possessed a pin sharp intellect and a memory that would be the envy of any self respecting elephant….In short, he was the perfect man for what was a difficult and complicated job which he actually quite enjoyed doing…. MOST senior officers appreciated what he did and left well alone….However, occasionally a newly arrived superintendent would decide that things needed a ‘shake up’….The senior officer would enquire which of the ‘Specially Employed’ officers had been in their role the longest….Ronnie would always be at the top of that list….The next question would be….”Is there a medical reason why he can’t perform normal Duties?” The answer would be “No” he is fit for normal duties…..That would normally make up the new superintendent’s mind….and he would announce that “From now onwards the position of ‘Duties Officer’ would be given to officers posted to light duties and Ronnie would be warned that he would be going back to ordinary shift work as soon as possible.

Ronnie always greeted these announcements with cheery good humour (something that should perhaps have sent a warning by the senior officer concerned, but never did .) Ronnie would always say that he was “looking forward to a rest” when he went back on relief…..Usually, what then happened was that the hapless officer who was selected to take Ronnie’s place would go into the office for a couple of weeks to “Learn the ropes” and Ronnie would do his best to teach his latest protege….Ronnie would then announce that “He had a large number of Rest Days owing to him and it would be sensible to use them up before returning to ordinary work.” The hapless protege would then be left on their own in the office…..By the end of the first week, problems would be beginning to build up…By the end of week two it would be panic stations as none of the overtime was being recorded correctly and the new protege had a queue of disgruntled officers outside the office wondering what had gone wrong with their overtime…..At about this time the new protege would usually start banging their head against the nearest wall and go sick with stress.  An urgent call would then be sent out to Ronnie….”Would he mind please returning to work in the Duties Office temporarily until the protege returns to duty”….Of course, Ronnie would generously agree to help out….. The whole farcical episode would be quickly forgotten and Ronnie Bins would once again be the MOST important officer at the station.

The age old saying “If it ain’t broke, don’t try to fix it!” Could have been written in Ronnie’s honour!