A Mother’s Conundrum

They are born. And some may have told you that you would feel no other pain in all of life, like this pain. That was without medication. That was the way I did it. It was my choice. Today, you can choose to eliminate that pain or most of it. In more cases than not, motherhood has begun with gut wrenching agony. It is after that torturous delivery that one forgets and begins the love. You find that baby irresistible. You become devoted to that bundle of joy. You adore your infant. You begin the path of affection, tenderness, fondness, and reverence. You know from the very beginning, you will always treasure and cherish this gift from God.

Reality settles in and takes you from the bliss to the reality of an infant where awe, astonishment, and amazement are sometimes replaced with dislike, contempt, and disdain. Sleep deprivation, endless crying, never ending diaper changes begin to take their toll. You begin to pray for this infancy to pass. Little do you know what is ahead, much less what you really asked for. You watch your child become a person – open their eyes, first smile, coo, laugh, frown, first tooth. And the bond deepens from their dependency and your love for them.

Oh my God! This bundle of joy is now running around the house causing total chaos and turmoil! And heaven forbid…they have developed their own very unique personality. They may be afraid of most anything. They become angry a.k.a. temper tantrums, the likes of which you have never seen. In contrast, they interact with you, they play with you, and they begin to talk. And times will come and go that you pray for their silence. They assert their independence in many ways you would never have dreamed of. They call them toddlers! Pride begins to burst from your somewhere deep inside your heart.

The dreaded day comes…the first day of school. No matter how happy you are for the little bit of freedom this will bring you, there is the sadness of knowing they are beginning to grow up and simply will never need you again like that have before. Someone else will take control of and be responsible for your child. There will be good days and bad – celebrating their accomplishments and healing their wounds of joining society. It is the beginning of knowing when and when not to solve a problem for them. It’s a fine line and slippery slope to say the least. And so we endeavor to find that balance. And our heart breaks when we know we must let them learn a lesson the hard way. We wish for simpler days when we remained in almost total control.

And when things seem to be running smoothly, double digit age happens…the preteens and then teenage years. There may be a million books written on these years, but none can really describe what actually happens. It remains a mystery to most parents forever! This is the beginning of the end…or so it appears. They pull away and once again assert their independence. And you reminisce about and long for their first independence as a toddler. You know your time is running out – to teach them everything they need to know. And you seriously wonder if they are really listening or even care. Discipline, consequences, and enforcement become insane. You assure yourself that this spiked hot pink iridescent haired child, electronically connected at all times, with matching friends is indeed the same person as that baby that was placed in your arms so long ago. Oh my God – they go on their first date, learn to drive a car, play sports, spend more time without you than with you. Once again, you find yourself wishing for days gone by where you had some semblance of control. You believed you could protect your child. You pray that will turn out to be a great adult. In most cases they do.

When did that baby, you fell so deeply in love with, become an adult? Am I done now? For the first time, you are the parent of an adult child. With that reality, comes the fact that you know you are not done at all, you will parent forever, just in a different manner. Your child will still make mistakes. You will begin to decide when and when not to say something. You will pick your battles in a totally different way. Thank God you still get the celebrations as well! And sometimes, just sometimes…your child does something that you cannot accept. That devastates you. That stirs your soul to depths you hadn’t even imagined. You desperately search for answers. There are none. You may wonder what went wrong. You beg God to help you to understand why. You struggle to deal with your mixed emotions of love, hate, anger, pain, and disgust. This is a path you never imagined yourself taking. It’s unbelievable. You wrestle with forgiveness. How can you forgive the unforgiveable? And immediately you know you will never be able to forget. This is not an hour quandary, or a day or two, much less even a week or two. You are physically sick. You cry uncontrollable. No one can console you. You are paralyzed by what happened. Fear surrounds you like never before. Then somehow, I believe through the grace of God, you realize that you will always love your child – no matter what. You may not like them. Or understand them. Or want to be part of their daily lives. You can’t stand them! You can never condone what they have done. But… you will always love them…the unconditional mother’s love.