A little Laff on me x

The Winalot Diet –

Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

What did she think I had, an elephant?

On impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Winalot diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me, I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I’m now banned from the store.

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For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn’t it a shame WE can’t actually do this!

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin’s 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
“I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS”.

The attendant replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these people first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out..”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,”DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:”May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,” she began – her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

“We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.”

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,”F… You!”

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that too.”

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An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather, Abdullah, in a nursing home. . . .

All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. ‘How do you like it here?’ asks the grandson.

“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,” says Grandpa.

‘We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little

different from everyone.

”Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents”, Abdullah says with a big smile.

There’s a musician here– he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’!

There is a judge in here — he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him ‘Your Honour’!

There’s a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor !

And me — I haven’t had sex for 35 years and they still call me “The Fucking Arab”.

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For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt!’

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.. Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While anxiously waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer…and waited, and waited……. for months and months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.
If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
“What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?”
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”
“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.
“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 6 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer???”

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As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
I realized that at my age I don’t really give a rat’s arse anymore.
.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
.. A tortoise doesn’t run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you’re the top dog; some days you’re the lamp post.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
15. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

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A woman walks into the social office, trailed by 15 kids…
‘WOW,’ the social worker exclaims, ‘Are they ALL yours?
‘Yeah they are all mine,’ the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, ‘Sit down Terry.’ All the children rush to find seats.

‘Well,’ says the social worker, ‘then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.’
‘This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.’
‘OK, and who’s next?’
‘Well, this one he is Terry, also.’
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
‘All right,’ says the caseworker. ‘I’m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?’
Their Mother replied, ‘Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Terry!’ An’ when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Terry!’ an’ they all come running.’ An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Terry’ and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming’ them all Terry.’

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, ‘But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch

‘I call them by their surnames!’

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I’ve Been,

I have been in many places, but I have never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognises you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don’t remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

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Pam Ayres Sat Nav..
>
> I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
> A Satnav is a driver’s friend, it tells you where you are.
> I have a little Satnav, I’ve had it all my life
> It’s better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
> It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
> “It’s sixty k’s an hour”, it says, “You’re doing sixty five”.
> It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
> And tells me that it’s never ever, safe to overtake.
> It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
> It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
> It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
> And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
> I’m sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
> For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
> It fills me up with counselling, each journey’s pretty fraught
> So why don’t I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
> Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I’m properly fed
> It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
> Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
> I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

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Top of the morning to you!
Dear Son
Just a few lines to let you know I’m still alive.
I’m writing this letter slowly because I know you can’t read fast.
We are all doing very well.
You won’t recognize the house when you get home – we have moved.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers
when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.
The place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine.
I’m not sure it works so well though ;
last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.
Your father’s got a really good job now.
He’s got 500 men under him.
He’s cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven’t found out if it’s a boy or a girl,
so I don’t know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.
Your brother Tom is still in the army.
He’s only been there a short while and they’ve already made him a court martial!
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery.
Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely.
They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I’m sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week.
They are charging him with dope peddling.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me.
The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes.
Your father offered to buy it from him.
The weather isn’t bad here.
It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days.
Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the undertaker.
He said if the last payment on your grandmother’s plot wasn’t paid in seven days, then up she comes.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy
to send in the post with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Your loving Mum.
PS I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

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Subject: The £50 Lesson.
Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in my front garden, my neighbours stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.
During our friendly conversation I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister someday.
Both of her parents, Labour Party members, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would
do?”

She replied… “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”
Her parents beamed with pride!

“Wow…what a worthy goal!” I said. “But you don’t have to wait until
you’re Prime Minister to do that!” I told her.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

So I told her, “You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull out the weeds, and trim my hedge, and I’ll pay you £50. Then you can go over to
the shop, where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the £50 to use toward food and a new house.”

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
“Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and
you can just pay him the £50?”

I said, “Welcome to the Conservative Party.”

Her parents aren’t speaking to me anymore.

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A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: ‘Don’t Miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman’. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign
‘Don’t Miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman’.
He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

‘You’re incredible!’ he told the Scotsman. ‘But I have to know
Something. You’re older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts

‘Well laddie,’ said the Scot, ‘Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be!!!!!!!!!’

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