A little Laff for the day

The other cubicle

Traveling along the motor way and needing to use the toilet,
I stopped at a service area and headed to the toilet.

“Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the toilet and I don’t know what got into me,
But I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
“Doin’ just fine!”

And the other person says:
“So what are you up to?”

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
“Uhhh, I’m like you, just travelling!” ??

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
“Can I come over?”

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. So I say
“No…I’m a little busy right now!!!”

Then I hear the person say nervously…
“Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other cubicle who keeps answering all my questions

Cell phones, don’t you just love ’em !

From ‘Letters to the Council’ (allegedly)
“I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.”
“I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.”
“Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence.”
“I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.”
“The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?”
“I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.”
“Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.”
“I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”
“Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.”
“I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.”
“The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.”
“Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.”
“Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces.”
“Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.”
“I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s getting too much.”
“The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.”
“Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it.”
“I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.”
“Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife.”
“I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction.”
“We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house.”
“This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.”

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle
the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone..
‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now, she’s hitting the bottle.

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and
running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly
the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false
teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box
and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous
dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
‘Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.’

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’
she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed
in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered,
‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

Punography:

•I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

•I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

•When chemists die, they barium.

•Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

•A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

•I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

•How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

•I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

•This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

•I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

•I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

•They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

•A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

•PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.

•Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

•Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory– I hope there’s no pop quiz.

•The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

•I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

•Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

•When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

•What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

•Broken pencils are pointless.

•What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

•England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

•I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

•I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

•All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

•I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

•Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

•Velcro – what a rip off!

•Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

•Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

•Earthquake in Washington obviously government’s fault.
and finally:
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

A man walks into the Electoral office,says to the receptionist:”I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate”
The receptionist replied, “Certainly, Sir. Please fill in this form.”
He was filling the form until he came to the question,
” Are you circumcised ? ”
So he asked the receptionist, “Is that question necessary?”
She replied… “If you are circumcised you are not eligible.”
He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised ?
She replied….”To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick.”

Why I am Divorced

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
‘Happy Birthday!’,
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
He barely said good morning,
let alone ‘ Happy Birthday.’

I thought…… well, that’s marriage for you,
but the kids…. they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts
and didn’t say a word..

So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent..

As I walked into my office,
my handsome Boss Rick, said,
‘Good Morning, lady,
and by the way
Happy Birthday! ‘

It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock ,
when Rick knocked on my door
and said, ‘You know,
it’s such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me…..’

I said, ‘Thanks, Rick,
that’s the greatest thing
I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!’

We went to lunch.
But we didn’t go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Rick said, ‘You know,
it’s such a beautiful day…
we don’t need to go straight back to the office,
do we?’
I responded, ‘I guess not.
What do you have in mind?’
He said, ‘Let’s drop by my place,
it’s just around the corner.’

After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don’t mind,
I’m going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I’ll be right back.’
‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
he came out carrying a huge birthday cake …..
followed by my husband
my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.

And I just sat there….

On the couch……

Naked.