The way it is
In January this year I lost the man who loved me, the only man who had ever loved me. (My ex husband certainly never did!) It is a long story that began in high school when I was 13 and he was 14. His name was Marcel. I should have married him but made a wrong choice. 34 years later he came back into my life, after I had been alone for 15 years. We only had a short time together. He died suddenly and unexpectedly.
Now I am trying to put my life back together. Not easy when I left everything to move overseas to live with him. I could only stay 3 months because of rules I didn’t know about before I left. (He did, I have since discovered.) So, now I have no home of my own ( I have been living with one or other of my kids since I got back last year), no job, no relationship and have been dealing with health problems, ongoing depression and anxiety and grief, and have been suicidal.
I am tired of platitudes, and cliches that have been thrown at me in a constant stream since all of this happened. They don’t help. (Remember that if you know someone in similar circumstances.) Nor does it help to have people tell me to “get over it”, “suck it up princess”, “let it go” etc etc etc. I find all of those sort of remarks ignorant and insulting.
I am doing the best I can. I have come a long way and still have a long way to go. I won’t be pushed or told what to do, how to do it, or when I should be doing it – especially by people who have no experience of what I am going through and little life experience. I will do this in my own way in my own time. It is different for everyone.
To make matters worse, in the midst of all this I have to look for a job and that is not an easy task when you are over 50 and have little recent work experience and physical limitations because of health issues.
It’s a case of one step forward two, or three, or four, or more, steps back. Days are like a roller coaster and the downs can arrive so unexpectedly and without warning. When you wake up and the first thing you do is cry, you can be sure it’s not going to be a good day. That’s been happening a bit lately, just when I thought I was a bit better too. That’s the way it is.
Anyway, that’s my say….for now.
peace & love
HippieHeart,
Thanks for sharing honestly, it took courage. I am so sorry for your grief. You have many difficulties weighing on you at once! No one know what you are truly going through except you. My heart does go out to you though. I guess I’d just like to encourage you to try to find at least one thing every day that gives you a little hope to keep trying. Please don’t give up.
I appreciate your response and thank you for your comments. It is nice to know people care. 🙂
Hippie heart, thank you for sharing your story and I can understand your pain and you have my sympathy. You are right to realize that you will have to do it in your own way and in your own time and even though living without a home of your own is awful, remember to be very grateful that you have children with whom to live. It is hugely difficult to have lost so much and still be grateful for what is left, I know. I don’t think your children can possibly understand your feelings; they are too young and may be conflicted about you and a man who is not their father. You have had your world turned upside down and you, hopefully, will find the strength to make another one. It can happen.
Although grief and loss it’s unique to each individual …know that you are not alone , there are others on here going through similar situation if that it’s of any help … Well written blog showing your courageous attitude .
Best wishes to you !
Well I’m not going to throw any clichés at you…………the cards that you have been dealt are tough…………just hope things turn around for you soon. xxx
I can relate to your story hippieheart – I have written about it here some time ago. No matter what someone says to you, it doesn’t stop the pain or the depression. No-one knows how much I really suffer, especially at night. I cry just about every night for all of my losses. Yes, life goes on, but that doesn’t stop it from being a “bitch”. Take care of yourself. Love fy2 xox