The Journey
I married for the first time when I was only 17 years old. I know now the only reason I ever married him was to be able to get out of my parents home. Life seemed like hell growing up, I don’t have really any happy memories. I was the youngest of three children and had two brothers 7 and 8 years older than myself. They were not protective of me, they were brutal, mean both physically and emotionally. My parents were not happy, and my oldest brother had many problems that took my mothers attentions totally and I was left to my own devices most of the time. I was shy and bullied in school which caused me to drop out of school early, although I chose to get a G.E.D. within a year of leaving school and graduating several years before I would have if I had stayed in school.
My first husband was physically and emotionally abusive. I had a daughter with him, and left him within a month after having her when I found him attempting to smother her with a pillow. She had severe colic when she was born and he had a short fuse.
When I caught him I left the same day with only a few belongings with us. The marriage lasted just under 3 years.
I moved back in with my parents and tried to go back to college, where i met my second husband. The marriage lasted less than 3 months after he molested my daughter. Again i moved back home with my parents and found work with a Sheriffs Department, which i made a career for over 18 years with several different departments. I married a cop the marriage lasted a while, but he cheated on me, i found love on the internet left him and married a man from New Hampshire. We have been basically happily married for over 14 years now. He is 15 years younger than I am. I lost my daughter to cancer when she was 23 almost 10 years ago now. She was my only child, and the loss has been a nightmare to me. I don’t think there could ever be a harder thing to go through than to lose a child. I hold onto the memories of 23 years with her and hold it so close and dear to my heart.
Right now I just need to have people to talk to and find common ground. I have had several back surgeries and both knees operated on, both feet operated on. I have fused discs in my lower back, bulging discs in my upper neck which i do not ,want to be operated on any more. I have been on disability from my work since right before 2004. I have been with pain management since that time as well. I am able to get around semi well, although I am in pain still even with treatment. My husband has friends at work and spends most of his time at home on the internet, not really talking to me. I find myself lonely and depressed most of the time. I grow bored with most chat sites that are so superficial. I really am just looking for good conversation, closeness with someone my age.
I tell my story so that I can be understood. I still look at life and see the bright side more than the dark, but some days I cry for no reason at all.
in light and love
desire
Dear Desire,
I cant believe that soo much can happen to one person in this life,my deepest condolences go out to u.I pray that something good may happen to give u a blast of happiness that u deserve.God bless u xxx
I have cried for a little lost soul this morning when I read your life,, you have been through so much from such a young age, have you ever felt the …me.. there is a real me inside of you that is as important as everyone else,, look in your mirror sweetheart and see the ….me.. that precious child that is still in you, …go forward knowing that peopledo understand the traumas that you have suffered and be secure I the knowledge that you can get past all that and be encouraged that you can rise above It all , with frinds who are sincere, if you need to talk feel free to send a p.m. , there will be, but most of all you have been so strong to arive at this point in time,if you just beleive there is something better inyour future, there will be. Hugs xxx.
oh thank you for your deepest of feelings, that means so much to me that you opened up and shared that with me. Thank you for your thoughts and your tears, i’ve felt the shared link now with you. Sincerely.
desire.
sometimes i can’t believe that i have lived through this and still have the desire to give and live. i honestly believe the saying that no door closes that a window does not open behind it. and that window of opportunity for me is to be able to give and share with new friends and find myself again.
thank you,
desire
Oh God that’s really a hard life you went through. I myself wouldn’t like to change with you. But as we use to say in Germany if life closes a door a new window will open. A window of opportunities for you also. I can imagine how hard it must be for you to find a new satisfying solution, but think round the corner. Not straight but round the corner. I mean try to find and to do new things no one expects them from you. Surprise yourself and fill the surrounds with surprise as well.
This step will offer you two typ of advantages. One you will get distance to the past and the other you will have to concentrate on the future. That will bring you back to the bright side of life.
I honestly believe that too. that saying has been with me for years, and has gotten me through all of those times. and i know that i am meant to be here now and find each and ever new friend and begin a new chapter in my life.
desire
Desire, thank you for sharing your story and it has been hard and sad. This site can do wonders and it takes time to soak in enough caring and support. Also, though you are disabled and in pain, try to find all that you CAN do, and do all that you are able. You must have great courage and will and hopefully it will bounce back soon.
Best wishes to you for a good recovery.
Sharing is the first step to a better life.
The support from others, even though you have never met them is priceless.
Feel for you
Any advice from unfamiliar people can be useful as it can be poorly. Only you can find out. But the best advice you’ll find yourself on the internet. Search in different countries for new inspiration that will suit you best.
i honestly believe that is what brought me to this site, to share and find new friends. i’ve got another site i found as well, sharing seems to be the new word of the moment for me. i so love and embrace each and every new friendship i make. i shared because i wanted to be upfront and share with those i make my new friends. a way to let others know what i am all about.
desire