Starting Over – Chapter Four

Chapter 4

As Julie’s kids left, Tony went back to bed. They were shocked to see him there. Julie never told them.

“Why not?” he wondered.

Tony missed her already. From her first day at work when he saw her at her desk, he felt a strong attraction to her. Everything seemed black and white except around Julie. She exuded sunshine, warmth, and beautiful colors. Julie was too busy to notice him watching her. As his counterparts filtered in and out and introduced themselves to Julie, she gave them that smile, extended her hand, so confident, so happy. He wanted to be in her universe. Of course, he wanted some other things from her too, after all he was a guy.

Then the day when Julie bumped into him and needed to run to a bathroom, that was so hilarious. He knew she was mortified so he kept a straight face but he just wanted to laugh. It felt good to laugh, there wasn’t that many bright spots in his life.

Tony was in the conference room behind the receptionist when Julie was leaving the building. Poor thing, she looked so sick and when she said her “knight in shining armor was dead,” Tony just wanted to take this tall, blonde, green eyed bundle of femininity in his arms and protect her. He wanted her to look at him as her knight in shining armor. He knew he must be going crazy, maybe a midlife crisis, because he wasn’t that kind of guy.

Tony had so many women over the last few years he lost count. He made sure they understood “Tony’s rules” before they got involved. Usually, they were career women and just wanted a warm body like he did, no relationships. He made sure no one ever got too close.

That’s what terrified Tony, he wanted to come home each night to Julie, when he saw those crazy p.j.’s with the little doggies, he wanted to hug her and kiss her till she couldn’t breathe, and as he sat across the dinner table from her he could barely contain himself when she looked directly into his eyes. On one hand she was a sweet, intelligent, wholesome woman and on the other he sensed an aura of raw, sensuality that almost blew him away.

Julie Ramao was like no woman he had ever known. He regretted being so abrupt with her in the beginning, but his feelings for her really threw him off balance. As he went under the covers, he imagined what it would be like if she was under the covers with him.

Tony never let anyone get too close so these new feelings scared him. He was too emotionally scarred to let anyone in. He would try with all his might to keep Julie at a distance – if he could.

Since his wife Genna left him, he was pretty much on his own. They had been married for 20 years, and Tony thought things were okay. He travelled a lot but that really wasn’t the problem, Genna wanted more from Tony. The closer she pulled toward him, the farther he moved away. His warmth came in the bedroom but after that they were in separate worlds.

He felt he gave Genna everything she wanted, a big house, fancy car, but she said she wanted more. He didn’t know how to give more. Genna was his best friend so when she told him she was leaving, he was devastated, and when he found out it was with one of his work friends, Tommy Gallagher, he was crushed.

All the parties they had been to together, he and Genna, Tommy and his wife Marie. Tommy getting loaded and coming out with his kilt on sideways waving his skian dhu. Genna always laughed and thought he was going to hurt someone waving that sword around.

And the look on his daughter Mia’s face when they had to tell her. It nearly broke his heart to see tears in those big green eyes. Mia was the one successful thing he did in his life. Tony would have done anything to protect her.

When this all happened two years ago, he went to his life long (and best) friend, Jack Bryant to tell him about it. Jack didn’t seem surprised.

“Look Tony, this has been coming for a long time. I don’t want to talk about Genna but I don’t think Tommy was the first.”

Tony went into a rage and his hands became fists and he pounded a hole in his basement wall. He had a bad temper and worked very hard to control it – sometimes he just couldn’t. Even when they were kids growing up together …Jack always had to calm Tony down.

After all, what else did Tony know. His father John was a tough New York city cop. As soon as he got home, the drinking started. He was a mean drunk. First he would start on Tony’s mother Mary. “This house is filthy, what have you been doing all day?” as he smacked her across the back. She would usually start crying and lock herself in the bedroom.

“What are you kids staring at? I’ll show you to disrespect your father.” Usually Tony would step in front of his sister Lena to spare her the beating. She was five years younger than Tony and a beautiful, delicate little flower.

Many times when he went over to Jack’s house, he was noticeably bruised. The Bryant’s didn’t know what to do. They wanted to call child protective services but Tony always begged them not to. After all, his father was a cop and knew a lot of people.

Tony loved the Bryants, warm, loving, caring people who always welcomed him into their home. They treated him like their own and he spent many of his days with them. Sometimes that was even more painful for Tony because it was glaring what he was missing in his own home. The Bryants and Jack were the one bright spot in Tony’s life. The Bryant’s were the ones who encouraged Tony in school, and helped pay for part of his college education. They saw something special in Tony but he could never really see it himself.

Tony’s uncle gave him a new bike when he was ten years old. John Raniere didn’t like that, it gnawed at his false pride. Jack had come to play with Tony and they left the bike in the driveway for a few minutes while they went to get some twigs. John was already in a drunken rage and ran the bike over so many times it was just a heap of bent metal. Tony never showed much emotion but that day he cried as he picked up what was once his most treasured possession.

John screamed, “I told you what I would do if you didn’t put your stuff away. Oh, what now you’re going to cry. Come here you little pansy and I’ll give you something to cry about.” He smacked Tony hard and brought him into the living room.

“You stay here and no noise out of you you little bastard.”

The only way Tony could grieve the loss of his bike was to stand in a corner and face the wall, not making a sound, while his father was guzzling down a case of beer. His mother saw what happened but she never tried to help Tony.

From that moment on, he learned to never let his emotions show, never trust anyone. Although he was the popular kid, Jack was the only person he ever really trusted. Tony would never let anyone have control over him or hurt him again.

The neighbors witnessed John Raniere’s outburst. He had to save face so he offered to get Tony and Lena a dog. Tony didn’t want a living creature to suffer the outcome his bike did so he refused which infuriated his father. Tony didn’t care – it didn’t take much to spur John Raniere to kick and punch him anyway.

When Tony was about fifteen, he and Jack were coming home from a baseball game and they heard muffled screams as they entered the door. Instinctively, Tony grasped the bat ready to swing and as they went into Lena’s room, they found Tony’s father straddling Lena. He was so drunk he didn’t know they had come in.

“No Dad, please no, please…” Lena cried.

To this day Tony didn’t remember hitting his father but he went crazy as he saw his little sister begging for her father to stop. He swung the bat and hit John full force on the back. There was a loud shriek and John Raniere looked dazed and shocked as he tried to get away. He ran towards the basement and fell down the basement stairs.

He just lay there staring into space. The police came and determined John was in a drunken stupor and fell down the stairs breaking his neck. Tony, Jack, and Lena kept their silence. Maybe it would have been better for Lena if she had gotten help then.

John Raniere’s funeral was a circus, Mary Raniere playing the grieving widow, Tony and Lena quietly standing by, and all John’s fellow uniforms saying what a great guy he had been. Tony smirked when he heard this. All he could think of was “the monster is dead.”