ON THE SUBJECT OF KITCHEN GADGETS

Here’s another priceless gem from my funny friend:

I must admit, some gadgets just hate me.

We all have inanimate objects that we do not get on with. Mine seem to be kitchen gadgets that hate me the most of all, even more so then the new lap top that I brought in a moment of madness for when I’m away on a job, so that instead of sitting in a hotel room numbing my mind with TV , I could peruse the world wide web. Although this powerful machine would allow me to access the highway of super technology and information, I still feel that I’m in a lay-by thumbing a lift. These are just a few observations that I have made about my kitchen gadgets that are all singing and dancing.

First of all Jo, I would like to state now that the incident with the Dyson vacuum cleaner and the little budgerigar that I was looking after for my next door neighbour was not entirely my fault..and like Forest Gump….That’s all I have to say on that matter.

The first must be the micro wave oven. I’ve always wondered what sick and evil mind constructed this magic box of tricks that locates my food by some mysterious form of radar, then destroys it within seconds. Then to add insult to injury it plays a little tune , and flashes up the legend…ENJOY YOUR MEAL.

Next comes the washing machine. It is quite adequate up to a certain point, it cleans and washes OK, I’ve no problem with that . It’s the final spin cycle that makes the machine take on life of its own. As soon as the dial clicks around to final spin the inaudible music starts that only the washing machine can hear. It will start off doing a Lambada across the kitchen floor, as soon as you try to push it back, it will change to an Argentina tango,flipping you from side to side, take one hand off, then it tries to do the Viennese Waltz, spinning in one direction then the other. Finally when the motor cuts out at the end of the spin cycle, it will give the last throws of the WA-Tu-Si.

The pop-up-toaster. Well its given up the ghost. Its not so much of a pop up toaster now, its more of a wait-and-see-what-happens type of toaster . Once it would give a cheery “ding” as light golden brown toasted bread would emerge and beckon you to eat it. Now it just sends out plumes of black smoke , like the queen Mary coming into dock – mind you I did read somewhere that a certain amount of carbon was good for you.

The deep fat fryer was a different kettle of fish altogether. This particular machine has three settings , low, medium, and super nova volcano heat. I placed two chicken breasts into the basket, being in a wee bit of a hurry, I switched the machine to the highest setting. The basket went down, the lid followed…about ten seconds later the smoke alarm (or dinner gong as I call it) started to bleep. I pressed the open lid button . The flames that came out of the fryer didn’t do that much damage, but now I was devoid of eyebrows and the front part of my hair. When the basket raised, I took it that the two blackened objects in the bottom of the basket were my chicken breast. Once again, I had read somewhere that a certain amount of carbon was good for you.

I have no complaints about my electric kettle, if fact I derive a small income from it by hiring it out to pinewood studios as a steam machine to give the illusion of mist.