Mistress Star….Agony Aunt……I’m Listening….

Would seem there are still some people out there with problems that they feel I maybe able to advise them on ( Oh Lordy here we go again )…so because I am a very charitable and knowledgeable kind of women…he he…. I feel it is my duty to succumb to the pressure that is being put upon me………my aim is to lift the worries of the world off your shoulders……..so that you may go on your way with a new spring in your step………but……..and this is a big but…..don’t blame me if my advice goes disastrously wrong………lol x

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    1. Dear Flowersun, cast your mind back to when you last had it……….now I do recall you telling me it was in plentiful supply when the young guy was at yours laying the decking…….ermm…. he was very good at laying things if i remember correctly……..and you said he was to be highly recommended……….maybe give the young man a call, I’m sure he will be more than happy to return and help you search for it………then my dear, i have no doubt it will be found and you will be go getting it again……..have fun….Yours Mistress Star

        1. Did he now…lol….then you must perfect your technique and invite him back………my promise to you is he will not leave again………he won’t go out for the mince……unless of course he is a mincer…….luvs you to flower..xxx

    1. Thankyou Laurie, and if i can be off any assistance please do not hesitate to write me……….all problems will be dealt with promptly and discreetly……..my word is my bond….snigger snigger….Yours Mistress Starlette….

  1. My dearest Star, i feel you have indeed uncovered your true vocation in life in this new series. To go, where no other Agony Aunt hath gone before, to plunge into deeper depths of depravity and squalor that are all new to all of us on here, and to go touching the parts other Aunts cannot reach, (although come to think of it i did have one particular Aunt i was warned about some years back), hahahaaaa. Let the doors be cast open here, i, for one, can cast some quite unpleasant experiences and very strange ‘urges’ i went through at a much earlier age, last week being the last time, hahahaa.
    Little tip Star, never give this up, there’s a whole can of worms to be opened out there, trick is, to get people to own up to them. It’s true, they’ll all come on, read your blogs, then say they find it all totally disgusting, but it’s THOSE ones you gotta watch Star, ‘Skeletons, The, In, Cupboard, Have, They’ll’, spring to mind, hahahaaa. Let loose the dogs !!!

    1. Enter dirty dave:: stage left.
      “Mistress Star I does like that leather outfit you got on” eying the whip hopefully!
      “I ave erd that thee as a blog wot will elp people” eying the whip hopefully!
      Exit Mistress Star:: stage right
      Enter Mistress Star:: stage right. Carrying a roll of barbed wire and a crucifixion cross. “I’m at your service dirty dave”
      Exit dirty dave::stage left (in haste) mumbling ” I had better go to spec savers before I follow this blog again.

      1. Dear Mr Bathchair, I have been studying your case for a somewhat considerable amount of time……..,spent hours with my head in books trying to come up with a name for your condition ……..all to no avail……cos it would seem that now you have passed your condition on to Star………….exit Star stage left. dressed in leathers, hot on the heels of dirty ole Dave. whip and barbed wire in hand………Dave turns, reaches out for Star with his grubby hands and dirty fingernails……..tis these that do it for Star everytime……………my advice to them was do not try to fight this addiction any longer …………go play with your whips, barbed wire, and whatever else that turns your dirty little minds on……… have fun my dears……

          1. Dear Mr Bathchair, may I suggest you very gently immerse your landing gear in a large bucket of iced water…..I think you will find this will shrink everything back down to normal proportions……the specs…….de misting cloths are available at any reputable outlets…….

  2. Dear Postman, indeed i have to plunge the depths to be able to give sound advice, i am of no use to anyone if i cannot be open and honest…….have to deal with all manner of problems……people’s inability to perform in a suitable manner (if you get my gist ) this is best demonstrated, so as part of my quest to help people it is something i have to undertake………but this can be a somewhat pleasurable part of the job……..i will indeed try to touch the parts other Aunts have shied away from, tis no good being bashful or i have failed in my quest to help my clients achieve satisfaction……….these urges you tell of Postie, maybe you would like to share them with me………..they obviously are still in evidence, or maybe that is just a torch in your pocket, the nights are drawing in so could have been………. a problem shared is a problem halved, i will be happy to share this particular problem with you……..within half an hour hey presto !! you will find it has subsided and your trousers will fit more comfortably again, ……….now to the onslaught of disgusted readers……….yes by all means voice your opinion, but i will not be entering into any heated debates, not my style………..your problem, and i wont be making it mine……… even people in the older age bracket have their problems too……..i meet with supressed sexual urges, these tend to come out in private chat, has to be said i only experience it with the male of the species…….does not matter how they try and wrap it up under different scenarios and fantasies…….. the end result they are looking for is the same………..note to these man who i label PERVS ………don’t waste your time with me, your on a hiding to nothing……….yes most of us have skeletons ……….get them out in the open……..I’m Listening……..Mistress Star…….

  3. Ohhh, perhaps i’ll retire from this topic while i still have SOME dignity intact, before i’m labelled as some sort of ‘perv’ as you so elequently phrase it love. What i wrote, was truly written as tongue-in-cheek gest, nothing more, had it been, i would certainly not had placed it on here for all the world to read. Perhaps my whacky sense of humour Star, is misplaced in this sort of blog, but best of luck with it whatever. xx

    1. Dear mr Postie,
      I find your reply most refreshing.
      Indeed Mistress Star needs corrective “treatment”, however, I’m somewhat more interested in the pocket torch she mentioned you had?
      As nights grow longer I myself would favour such an item. It would fill out my baggy jeans to the delight of various ladies in the neibourhood, and perhaps light my way to a more rewarding old age.
      I remain your humble servant, as always,
      Sir Bathchair

      1. Would advise that you buy the biggest torch possible..this would indeed not only light up your life. but fill up the said baggy jeans also….the local ladies, well what can I say, they will be beaming with delight,could I also recommend that you use the ever ready batteries in your ” torch “..

  4. Dear Mr Postman, I would never label you as a perv, …….was not my intention to do that, of course you wrote tongue in cheek, just as I answer……….this is for fun only……….no offence intended…….you would have not put it out here of course…..and I did say in private chat…….just for the record you and I have never chatted in private…….so fear not……your dignity is still well intact…xx

  5. Great fun Star – what would we do without a sense of humour??? Please keep up the Agony Aunt series – makes my day….. ((((hugs))))))) Lina xxx

    1. Dear Lina, I will endeavour to put my expertise to good use wherever it is needed, as long as I receive pleas for help I will continue to respond to them.
      Humour is one of the best therapies known to man, and as we ladies know only to well, this is something we have to rely on greatly in the bedroom department….. isn’t it my dear………. have to laugh the” little ” things off don’t we, just pretend everything’s ok, and we were not really in the mood either, damn………..I do hold stocks of the little blue pill should anyone wish to purchase……….

  6. This is one of the most entertaining things I have ever encountered online. I shall definitely be watching for new additions.
    Do you only deal with matters of the…um….sex/lust/desire/needs…..variety or, in my case, lack thereof???
    Keep up the good work Star. You are providing an important community service, as well as a good laugh.
    😀

    1. Dear Hippieheart, sex, lust, desire and needs are my speciality, whilst these are better enjoyed with the male of the species present, it isn’t an absolute must that they are………..of course they can be of use for one night only, and then disposed of, bit like the Black Widow spider does, although I do not recommend that you devour them after mating………you would have already had a few nibbles, so in all fairness you must release them. There are a chain of shops…….. how shall I describe them……….titillating maybe…….they go under the name of Anne Summers, they stock all manner of devices which eliminate the need for a mans credentials…….if you get my meaning……..all sizes of replicas of the male member are available……..and the speed is your choice…..this is where they have the advantage over the man……..man doth have just one speed…..full on…….jobs a good un……..love balls and other toys which will make your eyes water are all there displayed in their glorious wonder……..available on line if you are the the bashful type….and now my dear we come to ermm cyber sex, I will not go into great detail on this one…..but books are available to instruct you how to mimic the sounds of lovemaking by typing…….example…..oooooo……ahhh…….yessssss baby…….Mmmmmm. should you wish to indulge in this practice, I think you will have no problem in finding a willing participant……..hope that I have been of some help to you Hippiheart, until that special fella comes along…Yours Mistress Starlette….

  7. Dear Auntie Star, As you have an unerring knack for helping with human problems, I feel sure your wisdom will also extend to the animal kingdom. The matter concerns my two budgies, Daisy and Jessie, who are having a difficult time peacefully coexisting in the same cage. Each time I attempt to put them together, trouble follows. With an affronted glare Daisy immediately strikes an aggressive pose as though warning poor Jess not to come an inch closer. Needless to say I have consulted the vet who advises supervised play until the situation resolves, but I feel confident a second opinion from you would be of great help as well. Thank you oh wise and wonderful Mistress, Yours in perplexity, Laurie

    1. Dear Laurie, well the animal and bird kingdom are not my forte, but of course I will try and solve this problem for you…….your two birds are both females I would gather from their names…….now we birds do not like to share anyone’s attention, they are bickering because they are frustrated and deprived of a cock ……. I suggest the purchase of another cage, two cock birds….separate them into couples……..one cock and one hen in each cage….you will not have to supervise their play, they will manage all by them themselves….and you will have great fun watching the antics they get up to….do enjoy…..Yours Mistress Starlette….

      1. You underestimate yourself Mistress Star, it’s a brilliant suggestion; unfortunately there is just one small drawback: I don’t want them starting a family!

        1. Dear laurie,that you do not wish to hear the pitter patter off tiny claws causes me some concern…birds can become broody….but answer your question I will….you must let them have their fun…their special private time together….do not supply them with bedroom quarters..namely a nest box….if the hen should still happen to become impregnated,then you have no alternative but to remove the eggs before they are fertilised into adorable little chicks….but remember my dear…this is something that you alone will have to live with…Yours Mistress Starlette

          1. Dear Star, Most grateful as always for your thoughtful answer. The vet had informed me before I brought Jessie home as a playmate for Daisy that all hens become broody, even those with male companions, and two hens in the same cage have the advantage of female bonding i.e. grooming each other, playing together etc. Respectfully submitted by your steadfast admirer, Laurie

    1. Dear Mr Von Michael, I am fluent in the English language……alas cyber language not so……..some of theses abbreviations I can be of help with…others not so….therefore I send out a plea to other chatters for help…….then Michael you and I can learn something new together…..ATM = At The Moment……….BFN/B4N – Bye For Now…….GR8 = GREAT……TTYL= Talk To You Later….TC – Take Care…the rest…..HELP………

      1. Dear Star,
        I’ve learned; If one can not be good, the one should try to be perfect.

        You’ve done the riddle perfectly, congrats!!!!! Even it is more like to be for the brilliant wits of Bletchley Park. ( SS ) you are so good you don’t
        need any help any longer.

        HANWE….xxxM

  8. Dear Agony Star….am in serious trouble….I agreed to participate in a humour contest (Toastmasters) this coming Thursdays – and I need to make people laugh for 7 minutes….am totally brain dead – no ideas coming forth…..help!!!!!!!! [freaking out]! Was thinking of talking about the ‘pleasures’ of 50+ – hot flashes and the like, but that could offend some peeps, me thinks?!

  9. The Perils of the Phantom Parsnip Grower !
    My dearest Starlette. For some years now, my glorious parsnip has become quite a talked about legend in my home county of North Yorkshire, even to the point of causing embarrassment. You, of all people must know Star, what a shy, retiring wallflower i am, but i’m afraid, i have become a victim of my own success. All the male members on our estate, are green with envy of my prowess, and the ladies are all fair going quite weak at the knees at the thought of getting their hands on such a spectacle !. Now all this, if i stay indoors, i can cope with generally, but something else has arisen out of all this fame and glory. The local council have heard of my ‘claim to fame’, and there’s talk of my beast of a parsnip, becoming erected in the village square !!!. My dear Miss Starlette, i implore you, how can i escape this total humiliation ! To have my mighty parsnip cajoled about on the estate is one thing, but to have an erection portrayed in the village square of one’s own creation, is quite another !!. Where do i go ?, what should i do ??. Secretly, and unbeknowns to the wife, i have been offered board and lodgings by some number of the female fraturnity, but have as yet, declined. What is your advice please. Anonymous.

    1. Dear Mr Postman,you should never be ashamed of your parsnip,you have tended and nurtered it…made it grow with your very own hands…would be sacrilege not to let the women of your village lay their hands upon it..maybe their one chance to to know what a real specimen of a parsnip should feel like. You must ignore the jealousy of the men of your community,for that is all it is..there underdeveloped veg leaves a lot to be desired…a shrivelled carrot cannot compare to your magnificent parsnip…keep the councillors happy…march forth to the village square..throw of your embarrassment…reveal your giant of a parsnip…stand high and proud…..just as a afterthought,I could also accommodate you and your parsip within my own four walls…cheap rates for your good self…the parsnip can earn his own keep…Yours Mistress Starlette..

  10. Hey guys, can you wait until I return tomorrow for any more problem solving…will work on that speech for you cappy…….if any one would like to deputise for me while I am away your more than welcome……..xx

  11. Dear Mistress Star,
    I have taken your advice in the question of dipping my “landing gear” in ice water. Unfortunatly, my “torch” became rusty. I was humbly wondering if you could put me in contact with the most honerable Mr. Postie, who might aid me in the the repair of this item, thus de-rusting my equipment to the greater joy of neighbourhood ladies, and of course your obedient servant!
    I remain suspended,
    Sir Bathchair

    1. Dear Mr Bathchair,a rusty torch will never do, could cause severe discolouring of a ladies delicate regions ( not everyone wants to be a ginger minger ) I would suggest you follow my previous advice…unless of course Mr Postman can offer more insight into the rectification of your problem….him being a man who also is in possession of a torch..Yours Mistresse Starlette

      1. Dear Star, please keep this up as it is really entertaining and we all need a good laugh in our lives… well done a great blog… and to see peoples senses of humour is really good…Thank you…Ann xxx