BAD NEWS
BAD NEWS
I have been feeling ill all weekend, so early this morning, I went into hospital and had some blood work done. With the miracle of the internet, my kidney specialist got the results before I’d even made my way home.
As I entered back home, the phone was ringing.
“Dr. B would like you to come in to see her to discuss the results of your blood work,” said her nurse.
“Oh? What is wrong?”
“Sorry you’ll have to discuss that with Dr. B.”
“When do you want me to come in?” I asked.
“We have an opening in one hour. Can you make it by then?”
“I guess so.”
I should say at this point that I don’t like medical specialists. They feel it’s their bounden duty to paint the blackest, worst picture of any situation. This goes double for Dr. B., a lady of Arabic background (she’s either Iraqi or Irani, not sure which).
She didn’t pull her punches. “Your kidneys are only working at 31% capacity,” she said.
I was stunned.
“What were they at last time you tested them?”
“53%.”
I’m no medical expert but even I could tell that a drop from 53% to 31% didn’t bode well.
“So what’s the prognosis?” I asked.
“As long as they remain stable at 31% you could live for many years.”
Well that sounded hopeful.
“But if they drop to below 10%, you’ll have to go on dialysis.”
Dialysis? Bloody hell!
“What does that entail?”
“You’d have to come into hospital 3 times a week to be attached to a dialysis machine that would filtrate your blood.”
“How long would that take?”
“Five hours, per visit.”
Bloody hell.
“So what is the likelihood that my kidneys will clap out?”
She didn’t meet my eye. “Impossible to say. Like I said before, it could be years, or it could be tomorrow.”
Bloody hell.
“I am planning on going to England for 3 months in January.”
“Well, of course you must do as you see fit, but I don’t recommend it.”
“What about a kidney transplant, if the worst happens?”
“I’m sorry, you are not a candidate for a kidney transplant.”
“Why not?”
“Your age, for one, plus you wouldn’t survive the surgery which would be the waste of a good kidney and even if you did survive the surgery, you wouldn’t be able to tolerate the anti suppressant drugs.”
By the time my visit with Dr. B was over, I felt like throwing myself out of her window, I was so upset and depressed. But since her office is on the ground floor, that wouldn’t solve my problems.
No good advising me to get a second opinion – I tried to find another kidney specialist after my first visit with Dr. B because I can’t stand her, but there is one kidney clinic in Ottawa, they all work out of the same offices, and I couldn’t get a referral because it would be stepping on Dr. B’s professional toes.
I have no doubt Dr. B is highly qualified and a specialist in her field. But I think she’s lost sight of the fact that her patients aren’t cyphers, aren’t a statistic, but a living, breathing person who needs to be treated gently. To her, I’m not a human being – I’m a pair of mal functioning kidneys.
I know it could be argued that Dr. B was only doing her job – but I honestly don’t think it was necessary to paint the worst case scenario by telling me it could happen at any time. I fail to see how that was beneficial to me or enrich my life in any way, unless you consider causing feelings of despair, abject misery and fear to be beneficial.
She prescribed some new medication and I came home. I went to bed, turned on my electric blanket, snuggled down in bed, and had a bloody good cry.
I thought first of all about dialysis – if it came to that. Would it really be worth prolonging my life by a couple of years, at such a huge cost? Trekking 20 miles each way in any and all kinds of weather, being plugged up to a machine for 5 hours at a time? Or would I just prefer to let nature take its course and pop my clogs?
I went onto the internet and discovered there are home dialysis kits. The way they work is you plug onto your machine at night, and it purifies your blood while you sleep. You have to do this nightly. I concluded that if push came to shove, I could endure it.
Then I sat and had a good think about my situation. Do I hang around at home, not daring to travel, and not live my life to the fullest in case my kidney’s stop functioning? Am I going to spend what time I have left living in fear?
Not bloody likely! If my kidneys are still functioning at 31% in January, I will go to England as planned. If my kidneys opt to clap out in England, then I’ll seek medical assistance in England.
So that’s my situation. I apologize for cussing, but when I’m really upset and fed up, I find “Oh drat” or “Heck alive,” or “Dash it all” just doesn’t cut it.
I’m sharing this with you so that if I suddenly disappear from this site, stop writing blogs, stop talking to the wonderful friends I’ve made here, you’ll all know that I will be sitting on a pink cloud, sprouting wings, getting fitted for a halo and playing a harp. No, make that a guitar – I already know how to play that.
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jojo so sorry to here the news of your kidneys. I do like your grit though carry on regardless and the worst may never happen.I hope to see you blogging for a long time yet so just you hang on in there.I wish you well and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks so much for your kind concern and support – it means the world to me.
Oh no Jo thats not good news. But knowing you and your positive attitude to life and what you have already been through in your life you will conquer this as well. Go out and do what ever you want no use sitting back and waiting for something that may happen tomorrow or years down the track as the Dr B said. Enjoy youself. I wish you well and you are not allowed to go to any pink cloud ok!!!
take care GJ
Grandmaj, thanks so much. I entirely agree with you that sitting back and waiting for something to happen will only hasten something happening. It’s hard to maintain a positive attitude when I have a really bad day as I did on Sunday, but I have to believe I can cope with it on my own in England if it happens, and get the most out of my life that I can.
Thank you again for your kind support.
Jo, I hope that never happens. You’re a terrific person!
Thanks so much Sunflower – I think you’re a wonderful lady too and a good friend. Your support means the world to me.
Sorry to hear about your kidneys jojo. Even in the short time that I have known you through your blogs, I feel you are a resilient person. You have managed to write it down while at the same time sparing my and your readers’ feelings of dispair. Usually I would shy away, not knowing what to say. I still am not sure what to say, but I am sure that you have the strength to deal with this problem. By breaking down and facing the worse case scenario, you have told your body and most importantly your brain, that you do not accept that fate.
Take care jojo, looking forward to reading many more blogs. David
David, I so appreciate your friendship, help, support and concern, you can have no idea how much it helps. It’s at times like these that we find out who our true friends are and I am overwhelmed by the kindness displayed to me by yourself and so many others on this site.
When I first got home yesterday, I was in despair with so much anguish bottled up inside. By writing it down and getting it out into the open, it was an overwhelming release for me and I won’t allow this set-back to prevent me from living life to its fullest. That pink cloud is just going to have to wait – a long time! 🙂
Once again, thanks so much.
No jojo I am going to pray like hell for you,not a good choose of words there .
Go out enjoy your life ,keep writing I love your writing,
I think that with positive vibes you will be able to take over England ,enjoy it.
Thanks so much macathy for your support and prayers. I intend to follow your advice, keep writing and enjoying life. I really appreciate it.
Joanna, Yes I am going to pray also for you and I know you have alot more years ahead of you and go out and enjoy life and keep wrting , as I love reading what you write . Think positive and you will be able to go to England in January and enjoy yourself over there my dear. Take care . Marie
Anne Marie – thank you for your prayers and support. I intend to keep a positive mental attitude and intend to go to England, if I can possibly manage it. I’m thinking of going to a local faith healer and also learn Reiki – I will try anything to improve my health.
jojo…so sorry to hear about your medical problems…..i enjoy reading your blogs very much and plan on reading them for a long time to come…..take care of yourself…youve got a lot of people thinking about you…..susan
Thanks so much Susan for your kind thoughts and good wishes. It means the world to me and I can’t begin to tell you how much it helps
JoJo…so very sorry to hear of your health problems…BUT I feel you will overcome this because you are a strong person with a fabulous outlook on life. I will keep you in my prayers…and I know you will go ahead and live life to the fullest…each and every day! My thoughts are not to sit around and wait to see what happens, but just do as you wish and whatever will be, will be! Bless you and please keep us posted on how things are going.
Frantzwa, thanks so much for your prayers and support. I really appreciate it. It’s such a tremendous help to know I have so many friends rooting for me. Once again, thank you.
I am glad that you are still going to England my dear. The Canadian Winter is not going to help you one bit. Will write to you personally about this.
Frenchsilk, my dearest and best friend. Thanks for being such a great friend to me for these many years. I treasure you sweetie, and I don’t know what I’d do without you.
Thanks for always being there for me.
A pink cloud with a guitar sounds not too bad especailly as that will leave the harp free for me. I don’t know how to play a harp but it is one of my dreams. Maybe I haven’t been able to play it because I wasn’t sitting on a pink cloud before. Just think of the beautiful music we can make. together. As you know I found a prognosis to be an immensely liberating thing and the green light to go ahead and do everything you ever wanted to do…..big hugs, Jayne x
Dear Jayne,
Thanks for making me smile! If I have my way, that pink cloud is just going to have to wait – a long time for both of us. But when we ultimately meet there, you sing the melody and I’ll harmonize! I intend to do everything I’d hoped to do and make the most of what time I have left. Big huggers dear
Ohh Jojo, I am so sorry to hear your news,news like that is never good. Come to England and if you are unwell whilst here, I am sure we will look after you. Don’t worry about the pink cloud hon that is a long way off, make the most of your life now and he’ll if you have to go on dialysys well that an incovieniance but at least you can tell another story about your adventures with a machine.
And. When the day comes please take your laptop up on the pink cloud, it would be great to here what’s going on up there, hey you could tell us what the weather is going to do.
Bet you I will still be reading your blogs ten years from now. Treat this as another chapter in your life hon. Keep smiling.
Thanks Peter, you can have no idea how comforting it is to know that if I run into problems in England, I will be well looked after. That gives me the confidence to go there in January, for 3 months as planned.
When I ultimately pop my clogs (many years hence) wouldn’t it be fun to be able to take my lap top up to my pink cloud and tell you all what it’s like up there? Hm, what would I plug it into I wonder?? Maybe I’d have to toddle across to a storm cloud and charge it with lightening? All that electricity would be a tad … uncomfortable on my rear end I’d say. 🙂
Thanks for your support and positive outlook. I plan on being around for many years yet, God willing.
Jojo, I am deeply saddened to hear about your kidneys. My grandmother was told her kidneys would fail in 3 years. She wasnt a candidate for a transplant either. She lived 21 years, no dialysis. She was a tough old bird! LOL You are in my prayers, and I just know he will send you a kidney angel. You have so blessed ourt lives with your rich writing skills. I look forward to at least 10 more years of your scripts. Be well Jojo, and God bless you and keep you safe in his loving arms. Helen
Hi Helen – thanks so much for telling me about your dear grandmother who managed to live 21 years in spite of the “experts” telling her she had only 3 years of life, bless her. I find that very encouraging, especially as she didn’t need dialysis! Wow! I am motivated to do the same!!
I very much appreciate your prayers and hope they are answered with a special kidney angel!
JoJo, Hope you don’t mind my copy and paste job here.
As I thought about you though, something told me to look at your profile again:
“Hi, I am asensual friendly woman with a keen sense of humour. I enjoy and am interested in the arts, theatre, classical music, pop music, acting, and I am an avid playing Duplicate Bridge player. I have a loving and caring personality and treasure my friends. I am a writer, mostly autobiographical, but also dabble in fiction (erotica). I have sold numerous articles to a number of Canadian newspapers, written 3 one act plays, two of which were performed on stage. I spend 3 months of the year (January through to the end of March) in Folkestone, Kent.”
You say better than anyone could that your passion for life, love of people, and positive attitude are what you are all about. We all know the significant and miraculous role this can play, despite the specialists. Thanks for being who you are, thanks for being here. You have way too much to do yet, and yes…go to England!
xx
Hi Georgia,
Wow, what a wonderful pep talk and reminder of how much reason I have to put up a fight and enjoy life to the fullest. I’d forgotten what I wrote on my profile, and how much I love writing and all my friends. That specialist pulled the rug out from under my feet and I came home feeling defeated, to be honest. But thanks to all of you, I feel so much stronger and able to fight this problem. Thank you so much!
OMG!!! jo….don’t you dare go anywhere!! you keep writing your blogs etc do you hear?!!!! i am praying you will be ok. myself and the rest of the chatters can’t afford to lose you!!! 🙂
Haha Polly – you made me laugh and I needed that. Now I don’t dare go anywhere and will stay on writing my blogs! I love you guys, I hope you all know that. Each and every one of you is dear to me and I am soooo happy to know I have your full support.
((JoJo))
You are inspirational and I am sure will go on being so for a very long time to come…
My prayers and thoughts are with you.
John
Thanks so much John, I hope to be around for many years yet! I really appreciate your kind thoughts and prayers. Thanks again.
Jojo – Blessings to you as you deal with this. Keep blogging; I enjoy so very much!
Nothing will happen to your Kidney Jojo. I do promise you. Years back, Doctor advised me to stop regular drinking since my liver cant further tolerate it. As per logic of clinical tests of blood for ascertaining the liver damage, Doctor was write. He told me that I may live maximum 9 years minimum 6 months. My wife who was with me that me got scared. But I never did change my life style. It is more than 15 years now. My health and habits are still same. Keep on blogging but keep healthy and happy living style Jojo. Bold dies only once cowards many a times. Your mind will conquer the body. I need you here and your postings are tonics of life to me..