A question of bullying…
I am not a blogger, but I am trying this with trepidation,so I am interested where this question will lead.
As we are all over 50, I think we have a perspective of social interaction that is somewhat different than school aged kids today. We have learned that in the last decade or so, how people communicate with each other has changed due to technology. All of us being here, in this site, is an example of it.
I have the unique job of being the principal of two schools, one a Kindergarten to grade 12, and the other an Alternate School for native students.
My staffs are making ‘social interaction, self regulation and empathy training’ the focus of this next year, as we have had some very serious bullying going on, both in person and online.
As this kind of behaviour happens in all situations, and it seems sadly at all ages, I am curious what you folks think about bullying behaviour, and most importantly what to do to change it.
I know that bullying has happened here, and some folks feel they have been bullied. Please let me know what you think about how to best deal with it, and most importantly, how do we change it in young people?
Thanks so much,
Anurri
There,s no changing bullying in kids,its one way of establishing a pecking order,you can see the same behaviour in many animals.
In the schoolyard,theres only really two ways of handling it,…1…Ignore it and take a place low down on the pecking order,or, 2…Engage the bully in combat(they are usually cowards anyway)..Even if you get beaten,your street cred is enhanced.
All the “touchy,feely”councelling in the world wont make bullys change thier behaviour.
As to bullying in chat sites,such as SC,all one can do is ignore it/them…Reacting to bullying only encourages them.
Its sure as hell not worth getting upset about.
Thats my 2c anyway.
Thank you for your comment. It is my experience, that ignoring bullies is not effective. I have worked with kids with behaviour problems all my life and I see bullying (like all inappropriate behaviour) a LACK of a skill or skills.
Anurri, my history is that I was severely bullied at high school (age 12 – 15 years). That, of course, is many years ago, but it has had an effect on my life, one I have worked hard to overcome. I’m not a victim.
My point is that having experienced such a sad time, I ask my young self what would have made a difference. My thoughts are – a safe place to go to, a safe person to listen to me, and a program within the school to bring about a more peaceful environment to be in. Isolation, helplessness and hopelessness are my memories. If you can give a child safety, security and an empathetic ear there is hope. For the bullies, if children are given good emotional tools to defend themselves with, there is little for the bullies to target. I have no advice, just my story.
Thank you nellybly for your candid comments. Like you, I was bullied in high school. But, also, like you I was able to find a way not to be a victim. I have used what I learned in my teaching and working with special education students to find ways to supply the safe, loving and supportive locations and ears that you so clearly talk about. I make it very important for my kids and parents know that it is my goal to do whatever I can to NEVER have a student in my care feel hopeless or helpless.
Your blog is very thought provoking Anurri. There are now 2 other blogs about bullying , so you obviously have hit a sensitive spot with some people.
It is a learned behavior, I believe from childhood. Is it the environment they live in? Bullying siblings, or parents? Helping them at school is great, but if they are not getting the right reinforcement at home, then what?
Then they are adults, and they continue this pattern. Some chatters are even afraid to post on blogs, in fear, they will be attacked , if they don’t agree with what is being said. Isn’t that a form of bullying???
Thank you passaggio for you comment. You bring up very pertinent questions. Questions that those of us who work with school age children ask on a regular basis. I am lucky in that I have staff that is willing to work together to supply the best support we can, to enable students with poor parental support (and sadly we have a large proportion of families who are deeply engrained in the cycle of addiction – both drugs and alcohol) to learn skills go be more empathetic and capable of loving themselves. It is not easy, and sometimes it feels hopeless, but I have never doubted its effectiveness.
that is the most terrible generalization on adult survivors of dysfunctional families i have read. I financially support a group helping adult survivors of these families and in my thirty years of of working with this group not one adult has gone on to bully other people. If you knew their story of what they survived and the wonderful people they went on to be you would be very ashamed of your post
Skippy, what are you implying here? Who should be ashamed of their post?
I think there is an assortment of dysfunctional families. Some children are sexually abused, others are beaten and don’t grow up to be bullies. However, it has been my experience that children who are bullies, are often bullied at home by a parent or older sibling, or are encouraged to bully and are rewarded with praise from a parent.
As for adults, if you don’t agree with what a person writes in a chatroom, you should simple state I don’t agree. There is absolutely no reason to attack, scold, or try to shame anyone because you simple don’t like something or disagree. It’s a form of bullying, too.
Lo, I agree with you completely.
Skippy, I think you have misread the posts here by anurri and passaggio. Anurri works tirelessly to combat bullying in the schools where she is principal. She works with these children to teach them that bullying is NOT ok, and is NOT the way to get what you want out of life. When she has a student who is a bully, she immediately does whatever is necessary to stop it, up to and including removing that bully from the school. When she has a student who has been bullied, she works with that student, his parents and the school system to give them the self confidence to be able to not allow this bully to ruin his or her life.
What passagio is saying is that without support from parents, schools and society, a child who has been bullied grows up to think that is the way to get ahead in the world. I don’t see any generalization here. The fact is, that if a behavior is learned in childhood and that child has not had the benefit of adults in his/her life to modify that behavior, then it becomes a part of their life as they enter adulthood.
It is admirably that you “financially support a grou helping adult survivors of these families”, but I feel that your statement that “not one adult has gone on to bully other people” to be a stark generalization. What anurri and passagio are saying is that the intervention needs to be begun at the earliest time possible in order to stop the cycle of abuse.
I don’t see anything here that either of them should be ashamed of.
Skippy. Wow. What can I possibly say to your comment? I asked a question in my blog about how to help kids deal with bullying, and also the efficacy of teaching bullies other options. And I get this????
Just don’t give a bully permission to make you their victim. Sometimes you have to stick your neck out to defend yourself while other times sweet revenge is when you can outsmart them at their game. Bullies are empowered when they can make people afraid. Often, bullies act the way they do because they are themselves are bullied by bigger bullies and their MO is to hurt you before you can hurt them.
It’s definitely not easy standing up to a bully as you may come away with your heart stomped on, but at least you get to keep your dignity!
In a school situation, It used to be that the bully usually had lots of supporters in the playground. I’m encouraged by some “No Tolerance” programs I’ve heard of that encourages children to stand up to bullies by siding with the victim. There’s safety in numbers that way for the victim.
We are a ‘no tolerance’ school. Well, both schools I am principal of. The main problem we are dealing with is the hesitancy of victims to tell anyone. The good news is, more children are speaking up, so we must be doing something right. We are also working on a school wide anti-bullying program this year, so it is exciting to start tomorrow, as we intend to make a bigger dent in the number of students who experience bullying.
Great to hear your school is being proactive in this regard, Anurri. Keep up the good work and I wish you the very best for this new school year. 🙂
As you say, most bulllies are cowards, so I tend to meet them head on. Challenge them and most times they run away screaming.
This is something I told my kids when they were at school. One took me at my word and never had any problems. The other was a more gentle soul and had problems for a while, however, when he saw a bully picking on a friend of his he lost it and dealt with the situation. The bully never came near him or his friend again.
In short you cannot change a bully. You can only make him/her too afraid to practice their evil.
Thank you waylander. It is so sad to me that so many generations of children have to deal with bullies. Knowing that it happens drives me to find ways to provide support and intervention for my kids.
Anurri you should be applauded for all the great work you are doing with the children at your school. We are lucky to have someone like you in chatters.
Thank you passaggio, you are very kind. I love my job and look forward to a wonderful new year starting tomorrow.
And after reading all these blogs…i feel i need a stiff drink…have a good day everyone! Besides i come here to relax and have a few laughs….life goes on!
I also applaude what you are attempting Annuri..I just have to wonder if all your efforts will bear fruit,but at least you and your staff are making an effort..All power to you.
Im also very concerned that at least one chatter resorts to personal attacks on another,just because they dont agree with that persons point of view.
This has to stop!
There will always be bullies in this world ,weather it be school or later life. I taught my kids to stand up to them and to inform on them. So I now teach my grandkids I have in my care the same thing,my eldest was being bullied at school this tear. She tried to tell them she didn’t like the way they treated her didn’t work ,so she then told the teacher on them, the school handled it very well.what I want to say is that children don’t have to be from any special group to bully,I think they see a child that is a little different and they will try to bully them in all different ways., if a hard thing to stop. But I admire you for trying. I personally think too much freedom on phones and Internet has made it much harder to control. My thoughts Mac
Thanks for your comment macathy. We are lucky because in my schools there is no phone service because we live in a remote location. This year though, I have had to revoke all non-educational use of our internet connection due to the students using our internet access to do personal ‘business’. Another lesson to teach, so I will stay in business!