Let Go Of Your Past So You Can Move Forward
Why is it so difficult for us to release the pain of yesterday and move forward with our lives? It’s not as though we enjoy being stuck in painful memories.
Rather, the longer we remain stuck in them, the more deeply they wound us.
Someone very close to me refuses to let go of the pain her ex-husband inflicted on her years ago. I admit it was a horrible time for her, and left very deep wounds. It is understandable that she would have trouble letting go of these memories, as they are a part of her. Yet, they are not just a “part” of her, they are the biggest part of her.
Why? Because she chooses to make them so.
She has been divorced from this man for nine years now. She hasn’t laid eyes on him since, as they had no children together and have no reason to remain in contact. She is remarried to a wonderful man now, and generally lives a happy, contented life with him. But the very mention of her ex-husband’s name sends her into an instant rage.
This very thing happened not too long ago, while I was present. As she fumed and carried on about what a snake he was, I quietly asked her, “Why do you continue to let him hurt you?” This seemed to surprise her.
“I don’t,” she said defensively, “I’m talking about what he did in the past. I couldn’t care less about him now.”
Is that true, really? If she couldn’t care less about him, why does she still get so upset when his name is mentioned? In my own opinion, it’s because she hasn’t fully let go of the pain from her past. She is still stuck in echoes of agony. She hasn’t allowed herself to fully embrace that pain and move through it. So it holds her prisoner.
There is also the issue of forgiveness. If she were to forgive her ex-husband for what he did, would that absolve him? Would that make it “okay” that he hurt and betrayed her? She can’t allow that to happen. So she clings to her hatred and bitterness.
Let’s be honest: it is NOT okay that he did what he did. It’s not okay that he hurt her like he did. But does clinging to the pain and refusing to forgive him help matters? Is he even aware that she still harbors such heartache over the past? I doubt it. She is not punishing him, she is punishing herself. But she’s afraid to forgive him because doing so might mean she condones what he did.
I tried explaining all this to her, but I don’t think she got it. I don’t blame her though, I have been there myself. Haven’t we all? Sometimes we are too blinded by the hurt to see things clearly. I do believe she will work her way through it eventually. Most of us do. However, if a person wanted to speed up the process, there are two things that can be done immediately (and on an ongoing basis) to take a more active role in releasing the past. Since my friend isn’t ready to hear it, I will share it with you.
Embrace the pain. Ouch. I know. It’s not a fun process. I’ve done this, and it is difficult to say the least. But it is freeing too. One of our most destructive habits is running away from pain. Denial. Pain isn’t fun; it’s, well . . . painful! It’s not surprising that we’d want to avoid it if we can. Avoidance might work for awhile, but pain doesn’t go away unless we deal with it and work through it. It will continue to fester if left unacknowledged. One of the simplest ways to work through old hurts is to relive them. Bring up a painful memory and allow yourself to feel what you avoided the first time around. Heartache, rage, horror, sadness, grief – let it run it’s course. Cry as hard as you need to. Scream into a pillow. Punch a pillow. Write out your rage in a notebook. Tell that person exactly what you think about them. Don’t hold back, no one is going to see it but you.
Forgive. Forgiveness is not a one-shot deal. You don’t just make a decision to forgive someone and then everything turns to roses. Rather, it is a process. It takes practice, just like resentment and anger do. However, it does begin with a choice, and the realization that forgiveness benefits YOU, not the one who hurt you. By refusing to forgive the other person, you are keeping yourself where they put you: in the victim’s role. Forgiving someone does NOT mean you are condoning what they did. It does not mean you absolve them of their guilt. It means you no longer hold yourself at their mercy. You release the hold their actions have on you.
Why do all this? The past is gone, why dredge it up again? Why not just let it go? Because many of us really haven’t let it go. We trick ourselves into thinking we have. We squelch the memories deep down inside and pretend they’re not there. We don’t allow ourselves to think about them. But if a memory can still cause you such pain and rage, it’s a sure sign that you haven’t healed and moved on. There is a big difference between avoidance and letting go. Letting go is a healthy, conscious decision. Avoidance is a subconscious act of fear.
Which do you choose?
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Shads, Great post! All those moments of all those days, that are spent feeling that bitterness and thinking back over past bad memories, is only robbing them of the present, which is in reality, a much better state to be in! Before they know it, their life is over and so much time was wasted reliving the past. Your post should be recycled frequently for many to continue to benefit from! Terrific post.
People need to remember > > It is what it is….cannot be changed…move on..enjoy the life you have now,, and make the most of it.
Hello katelin :). I absoutely agree with you. Life is too short for bitterness it has gone before you know it, so the best thing to do is forgive and move on no matter how hard it is. thanks for stopping by. 🙂
Katelin I can’t agree with you more. Shadow, excellent topic, very well expressed. It definitely reminded me of my own journey,embracement and forgiveness are definitely the main ingredients to be able to move on. The process is definitely painful but at the end been able to look back at the memories with a huge dose of indifference is the ultimate reward.
You have got that right tropical. Happy to hear you were one of the folk who has been there and came through, regardless of the pain..i take my hat off to you. 🙂
It aint me is it shads hahaha!!!!! 😀 😀
No, its not you pols…lol…happy to see you again. Thanks for passing by. :)x
Shadow , Great post and thanks for sharing it.
You are always welcome marie. Thanks. :)x
Shadow this is a great post thank you xxxx What I do is write the person a letter telling them exactly what I think of them using words that make the air blue! I tell myself I am going to post it……..tomorrow knowing full well I will not do that lol. I have written many of these unposted letters during my lifetime and it sure does help to move on. I then tell myself I am going to forgive them and forgive me for my part in it no matter how long it takes. Forgiving people is not condoning what they did, it releases their hold on you and sets you free. Thank you so much for reminding me of this xxxx
Good post shads. Unfortunately my past is living under the same roof as me and reminds me every day of what he did to my life. I’ve tried to get him to leave, but he wont. He is not well, so one day, peace will be mine. I know that sounds awful, but that is how I feel.
Foreveryoung, dear it is your life..your conscience and you most do what you feel is right. Every journey has an end and you will emerge as a much stronger individual. I know it from personal experience. Blessings!!!!
Thanks tropical – I’m looking forward to better days ahead. Blessings to you too xo
Good post shads as always ,I always say forgive and then forget ,to forget we have to have dealt with it and come to terms with the reality of things .
Everyone has wonderful advice and opinions on this one shadow. No need for me to add really, although forever , if yours is living under the same roof, I,d probably torture him a bit in very small ways, then chuckle to myself about it.Making fun of the offender ( depending how bad it was. Some things ARE unforgivable) to those closest to you, and to yourself , helps, so does imagining tieing them to a tree, and throwing buckets of icy water over them till they beg for mercy, or worse. Ireckon tropical has the best attitude. A big dose of indifference is my preferred torture. These mean types hate to be ignored. CAG. XXXXX
Hi cag – I simply pretend he is not there – ignore him completely LOL 🙂
this is a long one shads. i fell asleep halfway through reading hee hee!!
good post shads, not easy to move on,but we can choose to sink or swim,its easier not to expect to wake up one day and be over the pain we feel, as that will never happen. you dont have to get over it so why try, that helps make it easier and helps you to learn to live with it, choose to swim because you have a choice too thats my motto.not all have the choice and we do.
very wise words from a very wise woman…very good blog,rosie xxx