Starting Over – Chapter Thirteen

Chapter 13

Tony’s six foot frame kept walking tall down the hallway after he had picked Julie up from the floor. As he approached his office his shoulders went down, and once in and the door closed, he doubled over to his knees. He tried to control the sobs and made sure no one could hear him.

He had wondered what it would be like the first time he saw Julie but he didn’t think it would be this bad. To see her shaking and quivering like that, the tears welling in her eyes, her eyes desperately searching his, it felt like his whole body was being pierced with shards of glass.

Tony had never loved anyone so unequivocally, so totally, in his whole life. The feelings she evoked in him at first scared him to death but then filled him so completely. He could still feel her breath on his neck, the sweet smell of her body, the burning of her lips. For the first time in his life, he knew love. In his mind, he was making this sacrifice for her, pushing her away. He felt he ruined many lives he touched and he wasn’t going to ruin Julie’s.

Being at work with Julie would be a challenge for both of them. Tony would try to avoid her at all costs, put on the mask he had in the hallway, cold and separate. If he didn’t need his job right now to take care of Mia, he would have left so Julie would have some peace.

For the first month, Jack had been supportive of his best friend, he went every day and made sure Tony was eating, taking care of himself. He listened while Tony agonized about Mia and Julie. His sympathy started to wane when he became friends with Julie and saw how this was impacting her life.

Jack insisted Tony at least talk to Julie to say goodbye. Tony said no, how could he tell Julie he didn’t want to see her when all he wanted to do was hold her in his arms and love her.

“You don’t know how much I love her Jack. I’m doing this for her good.”

Tony felt Jack was judging him. He could sense the coldness in his visits. Jack, who knew him better than most, was pulling away from him.

Being a compassionate human being and seeing someone like Julie so devastated and crushed, Jack automatically stepped in to protect her. She was kind and decent and she didn’t deserve this. He almost hated Tony for not realizing how much pain he was causing Julie.

Jack knew Julie was strong, but when he held her in his arms after the first time she saw Tony after the breakup, he saw a vulnerability that could easily destroy her. Her screams and sobs totally unnerved Jack. He knew if he didn’t hold her tight, she would fall apart. For God’s sake, this was a woman with a family, didn’t Tony understand he was destroying her.

As young boys Tony and Jack were inseparable, they were like brothers, always looking out for each other. Jack was the only child of Joe and Esther Bryant. They adopted him later in life and truly doted on him. These two middle aged school teachers gave Jack the confidence to be whatever he wanted to be. In their eyes, no matter what he chose, they supported him. Their hearts melted for Tony because they witnessed the abuse he had to endure from his parents so they took him in as a second son and Tony truly loved them. When they died both Jack and Tony took it very hard.

Jack was coming over for dinner tonight and Tony was going to talk to him about this rift between them. He needed to clear the air because if he didn’t have Jack, he didn’t know how he would get through this.

Tony ordered some Chinese take out and was looking in the fridge to make sure he had enough beer when the doorbell rang. It was Jack.

“Hi Tony, brought some beer.”

As Tony went to hug Jack, the way they always greeted each other, Jack stepped aside.

“I’ll just put this beer in the fridge for you,” Jack said not looking at Tony directly.

They put on the game as they ate and made small talk about their favorite football teams. After about a half hour, Tony couldn’t hold back his feelings any more.

“So what’s going on Bro?” Tony said as he looked Jack directly in the eye.

“Nothing man. What are you talking about?” Jack put his head down.

“Come on Jack, you haven’t been the same for a couple of weeks. Are you angry with me about Julie?”

Jack took a deep breath and stood up, “Yeah, I’m f***ing angry at you. How do you find a special lady like Julie, someone who loves you with all her heart, and then you destroy her! Are you such a freak that you don’t understand the pain she’s in right now. She’s in a terrible depression, she can barely get herself to work, she’s falling apart.”

“A**hole, I’m doing this to protect her.” Tony’s face was getting redder now.

“Protect her, that’s a joke. You’re still the same selfish s***head you’ve always been. You get in too deep, you don’t know how to handle it, and so you just dump them. Isn’t that what you’ve done your whole life?”

Tony was angry now and he was chest to chest with Jack, “Who the hell do you think you’re talking to! I love Julie, I’m doing this to protect her from me.”

“You really need to talk to the shrink because if you think that’s love, you’re really a sicko!”

Tony threw the first punch and Jack tackled him to the ground. Tables were knocked over, Chinese food hanging from the countertops, yelling and cursing, “I’ll kill you you f***ng piece of crap,” they both screamed.

When Tony got angry he lost all control but this time Jack had him beat. Jack was in an uncontrollable rage when Tony finally had to subdue him and stop the fight. When Jack finally stopped swinging, Tony let go of his hold on him.

They both groaned as they tried to sit up. Cut lips, bruises, blood were the order of the day. As they looked at each they started to laugh. In all their years of friendship, they looked like this when they took on other kids, they never fought with each other.

“So what’s the story Jack?” Tony said as he took a napkin and started wiping the blood from his face.

“The story is I have a lot of feelings for Julie. I consider her a good friend and maybe I’m starting to feel more.”

Tony bowed his head, he felt a profound sadness. It was bad enough losing Julie, but not to his best friend, then he would lose them both. He didn’t think he could bear to watch them as a couple.

“I don’t know what to say Jack. This is not the same old Tony. I really love this woman but I don’t want to destroy her with my problems. I’m trying to be noble here.” Tony gave a sad laugh, “You know I’m not the worst guy in the world.”

Jack was torn also. He loved Tony, they had been a team their whole life. He knew Tony had a good heart and he couldn’t deny that his friend was suffering over Julie.

“I guess we’re both f***ed because I love you Tony, you’re my brother, but my feelings for Julie are changing too,” a tear slid down Jack’s cheek as he said this.

The friends cleaned up the mess and put the game back on. For the rest of the evening they just talked about sports.

As Jack was about to leave, Tony told him Mia was doing fine and went back to school the previous week. Jack was happy for his goddaughter but he still couldn’t get the image of her sitting covered in blood in the bathroom. That would take time.

As Jack started his car, his cell phone rang. He looked at the display, “Lena Raniere”. Why was Tony’s sister calling him at this hour?

Lena had once been the love of Jack’s life but he just couldn’t deal with her drug addiction, He finally had to walk away. Just seeing her name on the display brought back some old feelings.

When he called her back she said softly, “Jack, I’m in a 12 Step Program and part of my recovery is to call everyone I’ve hurt in my life and apologize. I think that would put you on top of the list.”

“Yeah Lena, I would definitely be on top.”

At that moment, Jack had no thoughts of Julie. He knew he really wanted to see Lena again.