It doesn’t help
When a person is unwell, down, grieving, has depression and or anxiety, it does not help to be fed cliches and platitudes. Things like “suck it up princess”, “get over it”, “just let it go”, ‘time heals all wounds”, “there are people who are worse off” etc etc etc DO NOT HELP, in fact they make the person feel worse. It makes them question themselves, doubt themselves, berate themselves. It causes them to feel there is something wrong with them for feeling how they feel, and guilt that they can’t do want every one wants them to – just flick a switch and suddenly be ok. It doesn’t work that way – it causes them to feel even worse about themselves.
So, if you know someone who is suffering in some way, someone who is struggling, don’t do this to them! Accept, listen, be there, be patient and supportive and allow them the time they need – however long that is, and it will be different for every one – to heal and recover. Do not pressure them or impose your own expectations on them. Everyone’s road is different and they can only travel it in whatever way and time they can cope with, and it will take them however long it takes them. Be a friend, a real, true friend.
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Good post, HippieHeart… It’s so important to make time for those who are hurting…or alone. So important to let them know that they do matter. So many people are struggling in different ways, and they just need to know that someone cares enough to be there for them.. and you are right.. everyone has their own way of trying to make it through, at their own pace. Even if it’s just spending time with them.. listening, being supportive and genuinely caring….that goes a long way in helping someone be lifted. My daughter and I volunteer our time at a local rest home.. to visit, talk, hold hands with anyone who is left alone. It’s heartbreaking to see how many people have been left alone with no regular family visiting. Time spent with another, making them feel better, is such a wonderful reward. ..Even time spent online here in the chat room with someone who may be feeling lonely… so many people can be hurting in many different ways. Let’s all be aware, and help others, whenever and wherever we can.
Sometimes people believe helping is problem solving. Granted that some just want a shoulder, but oftentimes people do not realize that and try to come up with some words of comfort or some way to help instead of just being quiet and letting you vent or grieve silently. I remember a very painful time in my life when I lost a pregnancy and many were quick to remind me that I had another child to be thankful for. Naturally I didn’t wish to hear that b/c one child cannot and does not replace another. However, when I was in a better frame of mind I realized they were only trying to come up w/ words of consolation and a way to help me to heal. I think it’s important to be honest and say what helps and what hurts, but do keep in mind that people care even when they’re being insensitive. Now, I agree 100% that telling someone to “suck it up” or “get over it” is harsh and wrong… and I’d have no problem telling them so. Just some thoughts…
.. I’m so sorry for your loss, Millie. x
thx kate..just trying to illustrate a point, that being that people wanted to help but had no clue how.
may I say very well put hippieheart happy new year to you xxxx
I so agree with you Hippie. I have had similar experiences. When grieving , stressed out, burdened…..then was vulnerable enough to express it…just to have the person respond with a cliche’. Add insult to injury! (There’s another cliche’ for you) But, I also was able to look back and see that in most cases, the person was trying to help. I do think that a couple of people really just said something for a quick response, to shut me up, because the topic made THEM uncomfortable.
These experiences also made me stop and think about the times I have made comments that probably weren’t helpful, The intent of my heart was right though. I try to be really careful now, because I’ve been on both sides of the situation.
You have made some great points here, well expressed! Thanks for sharing.
I agree hippieheart and I wrote a similar blog, but it is so important that It bears repeating until everyone understands how to be more supportive.
Thank you for posting this…I can so relate….spoke to my heart 🙂
I think most people mean well, think carefully about words and their affects, a abused person, a grieving person does not want to “suck it up”, they want hugs and plenty of them, they want validation and more hugs.
Thank you HippieHeart, a very nice blog – good reminder, completely agree and couldnt have said it better myself. Support and compassion must begin with listen and being quiet followed by acknowledgement and understanding. We are all different; and more importantly we are all different at different times. IMO, until you get to know someone, we should suggest solutions or paths to take or what they should or should not do – even when asked. Only in friendship can we begin to determine how support and compassion can and should be given. Even people who you know without a doubt want and need someone to say things like “buck it up princess” will have times when even they cannot. Its good to remember that some people need to have a “grieving” period about whatever is distressing them; and until they complete that, they will not be ready to begin again, to go on. We all grieve over various things throughout out lives, we all suffer loss. Extending our hand and heart – in person or electronically – can mean more than any spoken or written word.
Thank you so much for postin this…I can relate to all of this plus many of the replies, and im sure a lot more in here can also….Take care hun sendin love and hugs to you xx
all of us have lost some one or some thing, so we all know how it feels to be hurt, yes me to john harden
An excellent piece which illustrates the problem people have in communicating with those suffering. The cliche is often the only way of expression. Not all are meaningless in that they don’t help the recipient. For example, a person with arthritis needs to exercise. To say, ‘use it or lose it’ is being truthful even if not perceived as helpful. I think the cliche; ‘tough love’ adequately describes my point.
I agree that it takes people different time to recuperate from life bad blows. I am still grieving over last yeaŕ´s difficult times. I so wish people around me understood that loneliness is killing people slowly but surely.
Very good blog, it’s funny how some people just want to fix you!