The Dog Food Diet

So I’m checking out at Walmart with a huge bag of dog food and this nosy lady behind me asked if I had a dog??! ?? Like seriously? duh, I’m buying dog food!!! I decided to surprise her with my answer.

So I said “no ma’am, I don’t. I’m starting the dog food diet again. I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time, but I lost 20+ pounds! woke up in intensive care with a tube coming out of ‘you don’t want to know where’, and an IV in my arm. But anyway, It’s a rapid weight loss diet.

All you do is load your pockets with food nuggets and eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, so I’m going to try it again.” (I should add that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, this chick asked if I ended up in ICU because the dog food poisoned me. I told her, “no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle’s butt and a car hit me.” I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Now that you’ve read this I have to confess, I made the diet up but the story really happened. I look like a nice old lady but I am not. I just needed a giggle that day. I think everyone in line got one too.

Since I had gotten a giggle that day with this I decided to try again.  I have a new neighbor.  She is tall, extremely thin, young newlywed and I gather not the sharpest tool in the drawer.  I was going out to get my mail and she waved.  I waved back, as if I were the sweet old lady, I look like I am.  She took it upon herself to swish her way over to me and say, “You getting your mail?”  I thought she was brilliant to have come up with that observation while I was standing in front of my mailbox.

I instantly went into sweet old lady mode, “The side effects of this new dog food diet is going to get me into trouble. I am going to have to call 911 again.”

How does it work? Whenever I get hungry I just snack on half a cup of dry dog food. I have lost fifty pounds so far.

That sounds wonderful. How did it get you into it? Why do ya’ have ta’ call 911?

“Well, it is not really the diet that does it. Every time I come out to check the mail, some dog is going by. I step out to sniff his butt and a car hits me. It never fails.”

It is hard to believe, this was her reply, word for word.

“Oh, Dear. Why would you do that? Did you forget you were not a dog?”

I was so stunned I did not know what to say.  I just replied, “Sure dear, that is why.”  I said goodbye and went into the house.

One more chapter in this story.  Yesterday when I went to get my mail she almost flew across the street to catch me.  She had a brilliant idea she wanted to share.  She had two suggestions.  Find out which dog food has that side effect and buy another one or switch to cat food because cats do not do that.

Really?  Newlyweds?  What if they reproduce?  Yikes!!

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  1. I’m literally just absolutely hysterical with laughter at the entire thing! It’s like at work when I’m sat behind my desk, operating a laptop, doing paperwork, answering the phone, dealing with customers etc. and some stupid customer asks “do you work here?!” I actually said to this woman January of this year “no madam, I don’t work here at all. I’m just employed as a cacti plant!” It’s clear she was nowhere around when God was handing out intelligence!

    1. I usually describe those who question the obvious as those who, when they were passing out brains, thought they said pain; and ask for as little as possible. I even tried to explain to my neighbor that it was just a joke. I was just pretending. “She told me not to be embarrassed. She would not tell anyone I like to sniff the behind of dogs. She also thought it was good I had two dogs so I would not have to do it in public. This girl does not have a “wake up” button. Thank you for your response. I really do appreciate it.

          1. Raised up on a Ranch North of Huntsville, and have attended 3 Rattlesnake round ups in Pampa. Still have my hat band and belt somewhere…

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